This Band 5.5 essay on video games discusses both the benefits and drawbacks of gaming. While the response addresses the topic, it struggles with developing ideas coherently and providing specific examples to support claims. Improving clarity in presenting arguments will be crucial for higher band scores.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Agree/ Disagree (Opinion) Β· Video games Β· 40 min
Video games are seen by some as a harmless form of entertainment, or even a useful way to learn new skills. However, others argue that video games have a negative impact on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (271 words) and addresses the topic, but the arguments are underdeveloped. The position is somewhat clear, but support is weak, and there are issues with coherence, vocabulary, and grammar that reduce overall effectiveness.
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In recent years, there has been a growing debate whether video games are considered as harmless form of entertainment, or even effective way to learn new skills. However, others contend that entertainment content has" title="Correction: this entertainment content has">this entertainment content have a negative impact on the people who play them. From my perspective, i agree with both views, but it can be more beneficial than harm.
To begin with, there are several issues. One of the issues is it can impact their mental health negatively in excessive playing time. However, it is major problem for younger individuals, one of the main reasons why it has benefits to people is it develops creativity and contributes to children's learning in a variety ways. This is because most of the modern video games require abstract thinkig and creativity. For example, in the past 50 years span, the average intelligence of children increased significantly due to good schooling and video games' development. As a result, it develops their thinking ability.
Another important point is that, it helps them to socialize. In other words, by collaborating and communicating with individuals who have same hobby. For instance, younger generations have online friends as many as local friends that they chat with and play with. Therefore, it help them socialize and develops their social and communication skills.
In conclusion, although some people may disagree because of negative side of this approach, it can be prevented by parents guidance. Therefore i believe that it can be beneficial than issues. This is becuase it develops their social, communication and thinking skills which are vital life skills. Moreover, it is effective way of studying by entertainment content.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
3 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| thinkig | thinking |
| becuase | because |
| i | I |
Grammatical Mistakes
7 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| whether video games are considered as harmless form | whether video games are considered a harmless form | Article misuse: 'a' is needed before 'harmless form', and 'considered as' is often omitted in formal writing |
| this entertainment content have | this entertainment content has | Subject-verb agreement: 'content' is singular and requires 'has' |
| but it can be more beneficial than harm | but they can be more beneficial than harmful | Incorrect comparison: 'beneficial than harm' should be 'beneficial than harmful' for parallel structure |
| in excessive playing time | with excessive playing | Preposition misuse: 'in' is not appropriate; 'with' or 'due to' is better |
| one of the main reasons why it has benefits to people is it develops | one of the main reasons why it has benefits for people is that it develops | Preposition error and missing conjunction: 'for' is correct with 'benefits', and 'that' is needed to introduce the clause |
| in a variety ways | in a variety of ways | Missing preposition: 'of' is required after 'variety' |
| Therefore, it help them socialize | Therefore, it helps them socialize | Subject-verb agreement: 'it' is singular and requires 'helps' |
Vocabulary Improvements
8 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| entertainment content | video game content | Vague: specify 'video games' for clarity and precision |
| the people who play them | gamers | Informal and vague: 'gamers' is a more precise term for video game players |
| impact their mental health negatively | adversely affect their mental health | Informal phrasing: 'adversely affect' is more academic and precise |
| excessive playing time | excessive gaming | Wordy: 'gaming' is concise and specific to video games |
| good schooling | quality education | Vague: 'quality education' is a more specific and academic term |
| thinking ability | critical thinking skills | Imprecise: 'critical thinking skills' is a more accurate term for cognitive development |
| negative side | drawbacks | Informal: 'drawbacks' is a more academic alternative for disadvantages |
| parents guidance | parental guidance | Incorrect collocation: 'parental guidance' is the standard term |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay presents a position that benefits outweigh drawbacks, but it does not fully extend or develop ideas. Drawbacks are mentioned briefly (e.g., mental health from excessive play) without elaboration, and benefits are asserted with vague examples (e.g., intelligence increase over 50 years). The response lacks depth in comparing drawbacks and benefits.
Examples
Example: 'In the past 50 years span, the average intelligence of children increased significantly due to good schooling and video games' development.' This claim is unsupported and not directly linked to video games' benefits.
How to Improve
To improve, provide specific, well-explained examples for both drawbacks and benefits. Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea with detailed support. Compare drawbacks and benefits explicitly before concluding.
Coherence & Cohesion5.5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but coherence is affected by poor paragraph development and weak transitions. Ideas within paragraphs jump between points without clear links, and some sentences are awkwardly connected.
Examples
In the first body paragraph: 'One of the issues is it can impact their mental health negatively... However, it is major problem for younger individuals, one of the main reasons why it has benefits...' This shift from negative to positive is abrupt and confusing.
How to Improve
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and maintain focus on one central idea. Employ linking words (e.g., 'on the other hand', 'furthermore') to show relationships between ideas. Ensure paragraphs flow logically from one to the next.
Lexical Resource5.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is limited and repetitive, with several spelling errors and imprecise word choices. The range is adequate for basic communication but lacks sophistication and accuracy.
Examples
Spelling errors: 'thinkig' (thinking), 'becuase' (because). Awkward phrasing: 'this entertainment content have' (should be 'has'), 'a variety ways' (should be 'a variety of ways'). Repetition of 'develops'.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning and using more precise terms related to the topic. Practice spelling and word forms. Use synonyms to avoid repetition (e.g., 'enhances' instead of 'develops'). Proofread for errors.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
Grammatical errors are frequent, affecting clarity. Issues include subject-verb agreement, article omission, and incorrect sentence structures. Sentence complexity is attempted but with errors.
Examples
Subject-verb agreement: 'this entertainment content have' (should be 'has'). Article omission: 'it is major problem' (should be 'a major problem'). Sentence structure: 'it help them socialize' (should be 'helps'). Run-on sentence in the first body paragraph.
How to Improve
Focus on grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and article usage. Practice writing complex sentences correctly. Proofread to identify and correct errors. Consider using grammar check tools for practice.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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