This band 5 IELTS essay on video games highlights significant clarity and coherence issues. While it explores the topic, the opinion on whether drawbacks outweigh benefits is unclear, affecting the overall effectiveness of the argument.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Agree/ Disagree (Opinion) Β· Video games Β· 40 min
Video games are seen by some as a harmless form of entertainment, or even a useful way to learn new skills. However, others argue that video games have a negative impact on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count of 250 words (actual: 304) and addresses the topic, but the position on whether drawbacks outweigh benefits is unclear and inconsistently presented. There are significant issues with coherence, vocabulary accuracy, and grammar, which reduce overall effectiveness.
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Video games often viewed as an ideal medium of learning new skills however, some claimed that video games have significant number of disadvantages among video gamers.This essay will thoroghly examine both advantages and disadvantages of video games before addressing my own opinion.
First of all,regarding with advantages of video games ,part-time entertainment may be one of the key benefit of playing video games.The main reason of video games provide entertainment is that its sophisticate animation which can easily amused a player.As a consequence,individuals may spend a lot of time on playing or either watching video games.However,online games can not provide a wide range of educational opportunities those can facilitate an individual personal growth.
On the other hand,considering of disadvantages ,animated games may have numerous underlying aspects those can easily outweigh its' benefits.Firstly,poor-eyesight which may stem from excessive screen time watching.Due to excessive screen time watching,individuals may suffer from a wide range of eye-related diseases such as - glucoma,retinal infection which can negatively impact on individuals health.Secondly,over-relaince on smartphones,computers may reduce the time schedule of social interaction , due to social isolation individuals may feel lonliness.Thirdly,constant connectivity with digital devices can limited the time schedule of physical excercise.Consequently, a wide range diseases for instance-obsity, over-weight can be occured owing to insufficient physical excercise.Moreover,long-time video game playing can badly affected individuals regular time schedule which is the major drawback of this habit.The reason for long-time video game playing can negatively impact individuals time schedule is that excessive game playing may kill valuable time of daily life those can be used to develop a new skill.
In conclusion,although video games may provide flexible option for lesiure ,i think that it shouldnot be used as a tool of learning new skill.Therefore, i firmly believe that the drawbacks of animated games may not be able to outwiegh its' benefits.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
14 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| thoroghly | thoroughly |
| benefit | benefits |
| sophisticate | sophisticated |
| amused | amuse |
| glucoma | glaucoma |
| relaince | reliance |
| lonliness | loneliness |
| excercise | exercise |
| obsity | obesity |
| occured | occurred |
| affected | affect |
| lesiure | leisure |
| shouldnot | should not |
| outwiegh | outweigh |
Grammatical Mistakes
16 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Video games often viewed | Video games are often viewed | Missing auxiliary verb 'are' for passive voice |
| medium of learning | medium for learning | Preposition error; 'for' is used to indicate purpose |
| some claimed | some claim | Tense inconsistency; use present tense for general statements |
| have significant number | have a significant number | Missing article 'a' before 'significant number' |
| regarding with advantages | regarding the advantages | Incorrect phrase; 'regarding' does not require 'with' |
| one of the key benefit | one of the key benefits | Subject-verb agreement: 'one of the' requires a plural noun |
| The main reason of video games provide entertainment | The main reason video games provide entertainment | Incorrect structure; use 'reason' directly followed by clause, or 'reason for' with gerund |
| its sophisticate animation | their sophisticated animation | Pronoun agreement: 'video games' is plural, so use 'their'; 'sophisticated' is the adjective form |
| which can easily amused a player | which can easily amuse a player | Verb form error: after modal 'can', use base form 'amuse' |
| opportunities those can facilitate | opportunities that can facilitate | Relative pronoun error: use 'that' for restrictive clauses referring to things |
| an individual personal growth | an individual's personal growth | Possessive needed: growth belongs to the individual |
| aspects those can easily outweigh its' benefits | aspects that can easily outweigh their benefits | Relative pronoun error: use 'that'; possessive error: 'its'' is incorrect for plural, use 'their' |
| which can negatively impact on individuals health | which can negatively impact individuals' health | Preposition error: 'impact' is transitive and does not require 'on'; possessive form needed |
| can limited the time schedule | can limit the time for | Verb form error: after modal 'can', use base form 'limit'; 'time for' is more appropriate than 'time schedule of' |
| provide flexible option for lesiure | provide a flexible option for leisure | Missing article 'a' before 'flexible option' |
| it shouldnot be used as a tool of learning new skill | they should not be used as a tool for learning new skills | Pronoun error: 'video games' is plural, so use 'they'; contraction error: 'should not' is correct; preposition error: 'for learning' is standard collocation; pluralize 'skill' for consistency |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| part-time entertainment | casual entertainment | Vague; 'casual' is more precise for leisure activities in this context |
| sophisticate animation | sophisticated graphics | Incorrect word form; 'sophisticated' is adjective; 'graphics' is commonly used for video games |
| amused a player | engage a player | Informal; 'engage' is more academic and precise for holding attention |
| kill valuable time | consume valuable time | Colloquial expression; 'consume' is more formal and suitable for academic writing |
| time schedule | time | Awkward collocation; 'time' alone is sufficient in contexts like 'time for social interaction' or 'time for exercise' |
| badly affected | adversely affect | Informal; 'adversely affect' is more precise and formal for negative impacts |
| tool of learning | tool for learning | Wrong collocation; 'for learning' is the standard preposition after 'tool' |
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Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay partially addresses the task by discussing both benefits and drawbacks, but the opinion is confusing. The introduction promises an examination, but the body underdevelops advantages while detailing disadvantages. The conclusion states that drawbacks 'may not be able to outweigh' benefits, which is contradictory to earlier points and poorly expressed.
Examples
The benefits are briefly mentioned (e.g., 'part-time entertainment'), but the essay focuses more on drawbacks like eye problems and social isolation. The conclusion says 'i firmly believe that the drawbacks... may not be able to outwiegh its' benefits,' which lacks clarity.
How to Improve
Clearly state your position in the introduction and maintain it throughout. Develop both sides with balanced, specific examples, and ensure the conclusion reinforces your opinion without contradiction.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but coherence is hampered by awkward transitions and poor paragraphing. Linking words are sometimes misused, and ideas do not flow smoothly.
Examples
Phrases like 'First of all,regarding with advantages' are incorrectly phrased. The second body paragraph lists drawbacks without clear logical progression, using 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' but the connections between points are weak.
How to Improve
Use appropriate cohesive devices (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'In contrast') to link ideas. Improve paragraph structure by having one main idea per paragraph and ensuring topic sentences are clear.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is limited and often inaccurate, with frequent spelling errors and inappropriate word choices. There is an attempt to use a range of words, but errors impede communication.
Examples
Misspellings: 'thoroghly' (thoroughly), 'lesiure' (leisure), 'outwiegh' (outweigh). Incorrect word forms: 'sophisticate animation' (sophisticated animation), 'excercise' (exercise). Repetition of terms like 'video games' and 'animated games'.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning topic-related words and their correct forms. Practice spelling and use a dictionary to verify word choices. Aim for more precise and varied expressions.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammatical errors are frequent and sometimes severe, affecting clarity. Sentence structures are mostly simple, with errors in verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and article usage.
Examples
Missing verbs: 'video games often viewed' (should be 'are often viewed'). Incorrect verb forms: 'can easily amused' (should be 'can easily amuse'), 'can limited' (should be 'can limit'). Tense errors: 'some claimed' (should be 'claim' or 'argue').
How to Improve
Focus on basic grammar rules, particularly verb tenses and sentence structure. Practice writing complex sentences correctly and proofread to identify and correct errors.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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