This Band 5 IELTS essay on video games discusses both benefits and drawbacks, noting that coherence and vocabulary issues impact clarity. While the essay addresses the topic, it lacks depth and clear connections between ideas, suggesting areas for improvement.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Agree/ Disagree (Opinion) Β· Video games Β· 40 min
Video games are seen by some as a harmless form of entertainment, or even a useful way to learn new skills. However, others argue that video games have a negative impact on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (278 words) and addresses the prompt by discussing both benefits and drawbacks of video games, concluding that moderation is essential. However, the task response is somewhat underdeveloped, with limited elaboration on key points. Issues in coherence, vocabulary, and grammar reduce overall clarity and effectiveness.
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Video games are a harmless form of entertainment and sometimes, even a useful way to learn a new skill. Video games are played by a large variety of people, Older people play them to escape reality and relax, Youngsters play games to stay entertained. There are different kinds of games that fulfil different kind of needs of a player, for example, games such as Sudoku or Chess are games that keep us entertained ,and also train our brain to be sharper at the same time. On the other hand, there are games such as Shooting games, Gun games that are purely for entertainment.
There are advantages of playing games, that include, a sharper mind, better and quick descision making skills. That is because, be it an educational game or a pure entertainment game, it would force the brain to think ,and make better descisiond that put the player in better ods of winning.
Where there are advantages, there will also be disadvantages. Gaming has its own disadvantages, one being, It would cause harm to the brain, when we play games Dopamine is released in the brain that motivates us to keep going, and keeps us hooked. Most games are designed to keep you in that loop, to make you come back to the game again and again. The developers only look for their benifit, which is that they would get more users for their application.
My openion on this topic is that, Gaming is not harmful only if, done in moderation. If we loose control of our brain and let it chase dopamine, we might get adicted to Video games, which will cause us more harm than good.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
7 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| descision | decision |
| descisiond | decisions |
| ods | odds |
| benifit | benefit |
| openion | opinion |
| loose | lose |
| adicted | addicted |
Grammatical Mistakes
9 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Older people play them to escape reality and relax, Youngsters play games to stay entertained. | Older people play them to escape reality and relax. Youngsters play games to stay entertained. | Run-on sentence; should be separate sentences or use a conjunction. |
| fulfil different kind of needs | fulfil different kinds of needs | Article and noun number agreement; 'kind' should be plural to match 'needs'. |
| keep us entertained ,and also train our brain | keep us entertained and also train our brains | Unnecessary comma before 'and'; 'brain' should be plural for collective sense. |
| Shooting games, Gun games | shooting games or gun games | Capitalization issue and list formatting; common nouns should not be capitalized. |
| There are advantages of playing games, that include, a sharper mind, better and quick descision making skills. | There are advantages to playing games that include a sharper mind and better, quicker decision-making skills. | Comma misuse and article usage; 'decision-making' should be hyphenated. |
| That is because, be it an educational game or a pure entertainment game, it would force the brain to think ,and make better descisiond | This is because, whether it is an educational game or a pure entertainment game, it forces the brain to think and make better decisions | Unnecessary comma after 'because'; 'it would force' should be 'it forces' for general truth. |
| one being, It would cause harm to the brain | one being that it can cause harm to the brain | Capital 'I' should be lowercase; comma after 'being' is unnecessary. |
| when we play games Dopamine is released | When we play games, dopamine is released | Missing comma after introductory clause; 'dopamine' should be lowercase. |
| My openion on this topic is that, Gaming is not harmful only if, done in moderation. | My opinion on this topic is that gaming is not harmful if done in moderation. | Unnecessary commas after 'that' and 'if'; 'Gaming' should be lowercase. |
Vocabulary Improvements
10 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| a large variety of people | a wide variety of people | 'Wide' is more commonly used with 'variety' for diversity. |
| stay entertained | remain entertained | 'Stay' is slightly informal; 'remain' is more formal. |
| train our brain to be sharper | enhance our cognitive sharpness | More precise and academic terminology. |
| force the brain to think | stimulate the brain to think | 'Force' has a negative connotation; 'stimulate' is neutral and appropriate. |
| put the player in better ods of winning | increase the player's odds of winning | Correct collocation and clearer expression. |
| keeps us hooked | makes it addictive | 'Hooked' is informal; use more formal terms. |
| keep you in that loop | maintain a cycle of engagement | Informal metaphor; 'cycle of engagement' is more descriptive. |
| come back to the game again and again | return to the game repeatedly | Avoid redundancy; 'repeatedly' is concise. |
| look for their benifit | pursue their own interests | 'Benefit' is correct after spelling, but 'pursue interests' is more natural. |
| chase dopamine | seek dopamine releases | 'Chase' is informal; 'seek' is more appropriate. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay presents a relevant response by covering benefits (e.g., sharper mind, decision-making) and drawbacks (e.g., addiction, dopamine release), and states an opinion that gaming is not harmful in moderation. However, the argument lacks depth and fails to explicitly weigh drawbacks against benefits until the conclusion, which is briefly mentioned. Supporting ideas are general and not fully developed.
Examples
Examples include mentioning Sudoku and chess for brain training, and shooting games for entertainment, but these are not elaborated with specific effects. The opinion on moderation is stated but without detailed reasoning on why drawbacks might or might not outweigh benefits.
How to Improve
To improve, clearly state whether drawbacks outweigh benefits in the introduction and conclusion. Develop each paragraph with specific examples, explanations, and evidence. For instance, discuss concrete studies or societal impacts to strengthen the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with paragraphs for introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion. However, cohesion is weak due to limited linking words and abrupt transitions between ideas. Some sentences are repetitive or disconnected, affecting the flow.
Examples
The first paragraph starts by rephrasing the question without a clear thesis. Transitions like 'On the other hand' and 'Where there are advantages, there will also be disadvantages' are used but not effectively connected to main arguments. Paragraphs lack topic sentences and logical progression.
How to Improve
Improve by using a range of cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, however, consequently) to link ideas. Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and follows a logical order. Revise the introduction to include a clear thesis statement outlining the essay's direction.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is mostly basic and repetitive, with several spelling errors and inappropriate word choices. There is limited use of topic-specific lexical items, and some words are misspelled, reducing clarity.
Examples
Misspellings: 'descisions' for 'decisions', 'benifit' for 'benefit', 'openion' for 'opinion', 'ods' for 'odds'. Repetition of words like 'games' and 'entertainment'. Simple vocabulary such as 'harmless', 'useful', 'sharper' without variation.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning and using synonyms (e.g., 'pastime' for 'entertainment', 'cognitive skills' for 'sharper mind'). Proofread carefully to correct spelling errors. Incorporate more precise and academic terms related to the topic, such as 'addictive mechanisms' or 'cognitive benefits'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
Grammar is inconsistent with numerous errors in sentence structure, punctuation, and word forms. Simple sentences dominate, and attempts at complex structures are marred by mistakes, affecting readability.
Examples
Errors include: 'make better descisiond' (incorrect spelling and comma misuse), 'If we loose control' ('loose' should be 'lose'), 'it would force the brain to think ,and make' (unnecessary comma). Tense usage is inconsistent, and subject-verb agreement issues are present, e.g., 'Gaming has its own disadvantages, one being, It would cause harm' (capitalization error).
How to Improve
Practice constructing complex sentences with correct clauses and conjunctions. Focus on grammar rules for tenses, articles, and prepositions. Proofread to eliminate punctuation errors and ensure accuracy in word forms. Consider using grammar check tools or seeking feedback on written work.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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