This Band 5 IELTS Writing Task 2 essay addresses challenges associated with aging populations in communities but lacks depth. The feedback highlights the need for broader exploration of issues like healthcare and financial security while suggesting clearer solutions.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Problem/ Solution · Old People · 40 min
As people live longer in rich countries, they encounter a range of challenges that require long-term solutions. What challenges will they and their communities face? What are some possible solutions to mitigate the effects of growing old?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count of 280 words. However, it only partially addresses the prompt by focusing narrowly on retirement succession and community crime, missing broader challenges associated with aging populations in rich countries such as healthcare, pension systems, and social isolation. The solutions proposed are limited and not fully developed. Linguistic issues in cohesion, vocabulary, and grammar further reduce the overall effectiveness.
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Many countries in our society today has faced issues concerning the retirement of people growing old. Old people are usually seen as people who provide knowledge and give advice to young growing people. There is a huge number of companies owned and maintained by old people, when such people plan for retirement there is always a huge blow in the face for the company, because old CEOs usually make the mistake of not picking out the right person to take after them.
Furthermore, when people who play a huge role in seeing the development and well-being of a community starts growing old, it may lead to the downfall of such community. For instance, a police officer once lived next door by my house. He lived there for more than 20 years, since I was born I have never witnessed any criminal activity such as drug dealing, gang fighting and killing. When this man started growing old and signed his retirement form in the LAPD, in the blink of an eye the rate of criminal activities in that community skyrocketed to it's peak surpassing every other community. It was a big blow to our society.
Moreover, all this problems could be solved in many ways. One of the solutions are, company owners should conduct seminar programs to educate young people on how to be a boss and also inform them on many challenges they could face and how to solve them. Old people should always educate their children on consequences that could be faced in partaking in any crime.
Utimately, these are the possible solutions that could help societies solve any kind of problem to the mitigating of people growing old.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
2 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| Utimately | Ultimately |
| it's | its |
Grammatical Mistakes
7 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| has faced | have faced | Subject-verb agreement: 'countries' is plural, so use 'have' |
| starts growing old | start growing old | Subject-verb agreement: 'people' is plural, so use 'start' |
| such community | such a community | Article misuse: 'community' is singular and requires an article |
| next door by my house | next door to my house | Preposition error: 'next door to' is the standard collocation |
| all this problems | all these problems | Demonstrative adjective agreement: 'problems' is plural, so use 'these' |
| One of the solutions are | One of the solutions is | Subject-verb agreement: 'one' is singular, so use 'is' |
| to the mitigating of | to mitigate | Incorrect gerund use: 'mitigate' is the verb form needed here |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| huge blow in the face | a major setback | Too informal; 'a major setback' is more academic |
| take after them | succeed them | Wrong collocation; 'take after' means resemble, while 'succeed' means replace in position |
| seeing the development | overseeing the development | Vague; 'overseeing' is more precise for managing or supervising |
| in the blink of an eye | suddenly | Informal idiom; 'suddenly' is more appropriate for formal writing |
| big blow | significant impact | Too informal; 'significant impact' is more academic |
| how to be a boss | how to be a leader | Informal; 'leader' is more professional and appropriate |
| seminar programs | seminars | Redundant; 'seminars' alone is sufficient and clearer |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response4.5
Evaluation
The response partially answers the prompt but lacks depth and breadth. It identifies challenges like retirement planning and community safety but does not explore common aging-related issues in rich countries (e.g., rising healthcare costs, elderly care, financial security). Solutions are simplistic and not well-linked to the challenges.
Examples
Examples include the discussion of old CEOs failing to choose successors and the anecdote about a retired police officer leading to increased crime. These are specific cases but do not represent systemic challenges.
How to Improve
Address all parts of the prompt directly. Discuss a wider range of challenges (e.g., economic burden on welfare systems, social isolation, age discrimination) and propose more comprehensive solutions (e.g., policy reforms, technology integration, community support programs). Ensure ideas are fully developed with explanations and examples.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with paragraphs, but ideas are not logically connected. Cohesive devices are used (e.g., 'furthermore', 'moreover'), but transitions are abrupt, and paragraph unity is weak.
Examples
The shift from company retirement issues to community crime in the second paragraph is sudden. The conclusion is brief and does not effectively summarize the arguments.
How to Improve
Improve paragraphing by having clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Use a wider range of linking words to show relationships between ideas. Plan the essay structure to ensure a logical flow from challenges to solutions.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is adequate but repetitive and sometimes inaccurate. Some words are used informally, and there are spelling and word choice errors.
Examples
Repetition of 'huge blow'; incorrect use of 'it's' instead of 'its' in 'skyrocketed to it's peak'; phrases like 'big blow' are colloquial.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary related to aging societies (e.g., 'longevity', 'pension schemes', 'geriatric care'). Use a thesaurus to avoid repetition. Proofread to correct errors and ensure formal academic tone.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammatical errors are frequent, and sentence structures are mostly simple. Issues include subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation.
Examples
Incorrect subject-verb agreement: 'Many countries... has faced'; possessive error: 'it's peak' should be 'its peak'; run-on sentences and lack of commas.
How to Improve
Practice using complex sentences with clauses. Review grammar rules for agreement, tense, and punctuation. Read aloud to identify errors and consider using grammar-check tools during practice.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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