This band 6 IELTS essay discusses perspectives on achieving career success through education versus immediate work. While it meets the task requirements, clarity is sometimes hindered by grammatical errors and superficial argument development, making it essential for IELTS students to refine their writing techniques.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Discuss both views Β· Successful Careers Β· 40 min
Some people think that the best way to have a successful career is to study at university or college, while others think that it is better to start working right after finishing school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count of 250 words (actual: 273 words) and addresses all parts of the task by discussing both views and presenting a clear opinion. However, the arguments are not fully developed, and frequent errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation occasionally hinder clarity. The structure is logical but could be improved with better cohesion.
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The main key to a succesful career is widely debated.Some believe that studying at a tertiary institution can pave way to a prominent profession,while others argue that it is best to commence work soon after high school.This essay will discuss both perspectives and provide my opinion.
Proponents of working after finishing school argue that, experience and skills aqcuired while employed has a significant impact on their career.This is because,In today's era most organisations value skills and experience,therefore such candidates will be shortlisted when companies are hiring.Most organisations believe that work related learning contibute the growth of a person's career in a positive way,because hands on experience is by far beyond textbooks.For example the AFC bank in Zimbabwe once employed high school gradutes, trained and tailor them for the specific position.This was possible because they raised concerns about employed university graduates that were incompetent.
On the other hand, opponents of this view contend that a succesful career is achieved through studying at university or college. They argue that tertiary education offers vast knowledge in depth which is required before comencing work and if a person by pass this stage they might face challenges of theory application when employed.They also believe that interaction with peers at this stage social behaviour and facilitates the improvement" title="Correction: contributes to their social behaviour and facilitates the improvement">contributes to their social bahaviour and facilitate improvement of their interpersonal skills which are considerd by hiring managers when recruiting.
After considering both sides,I strongly believe that working soon after finishing school can lead to a succesful career.Although studying at university or college paves way to success,the benefits of work related learning are more significant.Introducing programs that allow training along with working can lead to prosperous careers.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
9 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| succesful | successful |
| aqcuired | acquired |
| contibute | contribute |
| gradutes | graduates |
| comencing | commencing |
| bahaviour | behaviour |
| considerd | considered |
| by pass | bypass |
| tailor | tailored |
Grammatical Mistakes
8 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| experience and skills aqcuired while employed has | experience and skills acquired while employed have | Subject-verb agreement: 'experience and skills' is plural, so 'have' is required. |
| pave way | pave the way | Missing article: 'the' is needed after 'pave' for correct collocation. |
| work related learning contibute the growth | work-related learning contributes to the growth | Missing preposition 'to' after 'contributes', and subject-verb agreement: 'learning' is singular, so 'contributes'. |
| hands on experience | hands-on experience | Hyphen required for compound adjective modifying 'experience'. |
| trained and tailor them | trained and tailored them | Parallel structure: 'trained' and 'tailored' should both be past tense verbs for consistency. |
| if a person by pass this stage they might face | if a person bypasses this stage, they might face | Subject-verb agreement: 'a person' requires singular verb 'bypasses', and comma after conditional clause for clarity. |
| contributes to their social bahaviour and facilitate improvement | contributes to their social behaviour and facilitates the improvement | Subject-verb agreement: 'interaction' is singular, so 'facilitates' is required, and 'the' before 'improvement' for grammatical correctness. |
| paves way to success | paves the way for success | Missing article 'the' and preposition 'for' after 'way' for proper phrasing. |
Vocabulary Improvements
8 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| prominent profession | successful career | 'Prominent' is less commonly used for careers; 'successful' is more appropriate and consistent with the essay's theme. |
| today's era | today's world | 'Era' is redundant with 'today's'; 'today's world' is more concise and natural. |
| by far beyond textbooks | far beyond textbook learning | Awkward phrasing; 'far beyond' is sufficient, and 'textbook learning' is clearer in context. |
| raised concerns about | noted issues with | 'Raised concerns' can be vague; 'noted issues with' is more precise for academic writing. |
| theory application | application of theory | Incorrect collocation; 'application of theory' is the standard phrase for applying theoretical knowledge. |
| social behaviour | social skills | In context, 'social skills' is more relevant to interpersonal interactions in a professional setting than general behaviour. |
| work related learning | work-based learning | More precise term for learning acquired through work, commonly used in academic and professional contexts. |
| prosperous careers | successful careers | 'Prosperous' often refers specifically to financial success; 'successful' is broader and more commonly used in career discussions. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response6
Evaluation
The response covers both views and provides a personal opinion, fulfilling the task requirements. However, the development of ideas is somewhat superficial, with arguments that lack depth and detailed support.
Examples
The example of AFC bank in Zimbabwe is mentioned but not elaborated to show how it demonstrates the advantage of starting work early. The discussion on university education is brief and could be more nuanced.
How to Improve
Extend each argument with specific examples, data, or more detailed explanations. Ensure that each paragraph fully explores one main idea and connects it clearly to the question.
Coherence & Cohesion6
Evaluation
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, providing a logical structure. However, cohesion is weakened by grammatical errors and inconsistent use of linking devices, affecting the flow between ideas.
Examples
Abrupt transitions: 'This is because,In today's era' lacks proper punctuation. The connection between sentences in paragraphs could be smoother, e.g., moving from the example back to the main argument.
How to Improve
Use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., however, furthermore, consequently) to link ideas. Ensure paragraphs have clear topic sentences and that punctuation is correct to enhance readability.
Lexical Resource6
Evaluation
Vocabulary is sufficient to discuss the topic, but there are noticeable spelling errors and some imprecise word choices, which reduce the overall lexical quality.
Examples
Misspellings: 'succesful' (successful), 'aqcuired' (acquired), 'comencing' (commencing), 'bahaviour' (behavior). Inaccurate phrasing: 'pave way to' should be 'pave the way for'; 'work related learning' should be 'work-related learning'.
How to Improve
Proofread carefully to correct spelling errors. Expand topic-specific vocabulary (e.g., 'tertiary education', 'vocational training') and use collocations accurately. Consider using a dictionary or thesaurus for precision.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5.5
Evaluation
There is an attempt to use a mix of simple and complex sentences, but grammatical errors are frequent and sometimes obscure meaning, particularly in subject-verb agreement and punctuation.
Examples
Subject-verb agreement error: 'experience and skills... has' should be 'have'. Run-on sentence: 'They argue that tertiary education offers vast knowledge... when employed.' Incorrect comma usage: 'This is because,In today's era'.
How to Improve
Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Practice writing complex sentences with appropriate conjunctions and punctuation. Review common errors through grammar exercises.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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