In this band 5.5 IELTS essay about violence in media, the writer attempts to address the task but struggles with clarity and grammatical accuracy. Key feedback includes the need for more structured arguments and a formal tone to enhance the essay's effectiveness.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: Hello User. The essay addresses the task but lacks depth in the task response and contains several grammatical errors. Word count is sufficient. More structured arguments and a more formal tone are necessary for a higher score.
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Movies and television shows have become the standard of modern entertainment in recent times, and is slowly becoming the pinacle of entertainment popular amonst people of all ages. It can however also be noticed that with certain genres like horror, sci-fi or even fantasy, there is slowly an increase in the amount of violence thats being portrayed.
Some people belive that this increase in violence can influence the behgavior of young people which can cause an increase in the level of violence in the scociety. This can be true to some extent, this is because when people are exposed to genres like these it can subconciously alter their sense of morality which can be concerning. Their tolerance towards violence can also increase as subjects like gore when viewed often can harden their heart. This may initially result in them acrting out harshly when faced with real life scenarios. The affects can be first quite minute, like for example being annoyed at the smallest things, or lashing out at a fellow co worker. But the extent to which they would cause actual harm or crimes in scociety is often slim, but its never zero.
However in my opinion, the relevance of age ratings on certain movies can come into play as these show that the content being showed is intended for a certain mature audience. A person only gets influenced if their young or morally confused. Most of the times young people tend to take these age ratings very unseriously which is why they can get influenced. Thus its important that the relevance of the age rating on entertainment media is being endorsed and considered. This is the responsibility of the parents and this can help greatly. Other steps that can be taken is that the goverment interferes and perhaps taxes entertainment industries that propose violent ideas or graphic scenes so young peoples minds are not polluted. Education should also be taken seriosuly as this allows a person to differentiate between the right and the wrong and helps them to understand the concept of morality, hence this is how violence can be reduced.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
13 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| pinacle | pinnacle |
| amonst | amongst |
| thats | that's |
| belive | believe |
| behgavior | behavior |
| scociety | society |
| subconciously | subconsciously |
| acrting | acting |
| affects | effects |
| unseriously | not seriously |
| its | it's |
| goverment | government |
| seriosuly | seriously |
Grammatical Mistakes
6 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| and is | and are | Subject-verb agreement: 'Movies and television shows' is plural and requires 'are' |
| This can be true to some extent, this is because | This can be true to some extent because | Comma splice: separate the clauses with a conjunction instead of a comma |
| a person only gets influenced if their young | a person only gets influenced if they are young | Incorrect pronoun usage: 'their' should be 'they are' for subject-verb agreement and pronoun-antecedent agreement |
| Most of the times | Most of the time | Incorrect phrase: 'Most of the times' should be 'Most of the time' to correctly convey frequency |
| showed | shown | Incorrect verb form: 'showed' should be 'shown' as past participle |
| Other steps that can be taken is | Other steps that can be taken are | Subject-verb agreement: 'steps' is plural and requires 'are' |
Vocabulary Improvements
3 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| hardens their heart | desensitizes them | The phrase is informal and poetic; 'desensitizes them' is more precise and academic |
| mature audience | adult audience | The term 'adult audience' is more precise when discussing age ratings |
| polluted | negatively influenced | The term 'polluted' is too informal and vague; 'negatively influenced' better describes the effect |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay attempts to address both parts of the question. It discusses the influence of violence on youth and presents a few steps to mitigate it.
Examples
Examples include discussions on morality and tolerance towards violence.
How to Improve
To improve, provide more detailed explanations and examples, and ensure both parts of the task question are equally addressed.
Coherence & Cohesion6
Evaluation
The essay has a logical progression of ideas but lacks sufficient linking devices.
Examples
The transitions between paragraphs are clear but could be more explicitly connected.
How to Improve
Introduce more cohesive devices and ensure each paragraph contributes directly to the central argument.
Lexical Resource5.5
Evaluation
The vocabulary used is adequate but lacks variety and precision.
Examples
Words like 'belive', 'acrting', and 'seriosuly' show errors in spelling.
How to Improve
Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary and check for spelling errors to convey ideas more clearly.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors which detract from clarity.
Examples
Errors such as 'is slowly becoming the pinacle', 'young or morally confused', and 'Most of the times young people'.
How to Improve
Focus on reducing grammatical errors and improving sentence structure to enhance clarity and readability.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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