This Band 5.5 IELTS essay discusses media violence and its influence on youth behavior. The response, while addressing both parts of the question, suffers from coherence issues and underdeveloped arguments.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the word count requirement (307 words) and addresses both parts of the question: agreeing that media violence influences youth behavior and suggesting steps to reduce violence. However, the response is underdeveloped with simplistic arguments, limited examples, and a repetitive structure. The position is stated but not fully explored, and the proposed measures lack detail. Coherence is hindered by abrupt transitions and weak paragraphing. Lexical range is narrow, with frequent errors in word choice and spelling. Grammatical errors in tense, agreement, and punctuation further reduce clarity. Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic but limited command of the task criteria, resulting in a Band 5.5.
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The question of watching violent movies influences young people to be violent or not is a question of much debate. It is often argued that violence seen on television or movies quite changes anyone's behaviour. In my view, yes, I personally believe that, what kind of shows you watch can influence your habits and motives.
First and foremost, Young minds can easily adapt habits by observing their environment. Watching something thriving or violating content, they might actually want to do it themselves. Specially when it comes to toddlers, they want to copy everything they see. Threre is a saying, 'childrens are raw materials, we can prepare them however we like'. From an experiment it is clear that their surrounding has a great role on their behaviour. Youngsters that grow up watching violent content will probably become violent in future.
To conquer these problems, guardians can play the pivotal role. They can control their children what to show or what not to show. Nowadays, how technology is advancing, we now have child- friendly softwares and devices. In my opinion, parenting is not the only measure to reduce this issue, what type of friend circle do they have? It also influence them to grow up as a violent person. Government should also focus on developing children centered and skill developer programs for them to focus in another things. For instance, sports club and mind games. this will divert them from doing wrong to learning as they play. As we know, one day they will be managing the country.
In conclusion, although violence seen on television or in movies influences the behaviour of youngsters, I believe that there are many other things that influence them like parenting and their friend circle. To sum up, we can lessen up violence by controlling our childs from the very beginning as they grow.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
3 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| Threre | There |
| childrens | children |
| childs | children |
Grammatical Mistakes
12 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| The question of watching violent movies influences | The question of whether watching violent movies influences | Missing 'whether' to introduce the alternative |
| that, | that | Unnecessary comma after 'that' |
| surrounding has a great role on | surroundings have a great role in | Subject-verb agreement ('surroundings' plural) and preposition error ('role in') |
| in future | in the future | Missing article 'the' |
| control their children what to show | control what their children watch | Incorrect structure; use 'control what' + object |
| how technology is advancing | as technology advances | Incorrect conjunction; use 'as' to indicate simultaneous progression |
| softwares | software | 'Software' is an uncountable noun, no plural form |
| this issue, what type of friend circle do they have? | this issue. The type of friend circle they have also matters. | Run-on sentence; split into two sentences |
| It also influence them | It also influences them | Subject-verb agreement: 'it' requires 'influences' |
| focus in another things | focus on other things | Preposition error ('focus on') and 'other' for plural |
| sports club and mind games. this | sports clubs and mind games. These | Plural needed for 'clubs' and pronoun agreement with plural antecedent |
| controlling our childs | controlling our children | 'Childs' is not the correct plural; use 'children' |
Vocabulary Improvements
8 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| thriving | violent | Incorrect word; likely meant 'violent' in context of violent content |
| violating content | violent content | Wrong word form; 'violating' is a verb, need adjective 'violent' |
| Specially | Especially | 'Specially' means for a specific purpose; 'especially' means particularly |
| adapt habits | adopt habits | 'Adapt' means to adjust; 'adopt' means to take up or acquire |
| lessen up | reduce | Informal phrasal verb; use 'reduce' for formal tone |
| friend circle | peer group | More formal/academic term for the social group of friends |
| skill developer programs | skill-development programs | Correct collocation with hyphenation; 'developer' is not the standard term |
| children centered | child-centered | Use singular 'child' and hyphen for compound adjective |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it agrees that media violence influences youth and suggests steps like parental control, child-friendly software, and government programs. However, the argument is shallow and lacks depth. The agreement is stated but not supported with specific evidence or logical reasoning. The steps mentioned are generic and not elaborated (e.g., 'sports club and mind games'). The conclusion introduces new ideas (friend circle) without clear connection. The response is on-topic but insufficiently developed.
Examples
The essay states 'From an experiment it is clear that their surrounding has a great role' but provides no details about the experiment. Steps like 'child-friendly softwares' are mentioned without explanation of how they work. The conclusion says 'there are many other things that influence them' which slightly diverts from the main focus.
How to Improve
To improve, provide specific examples or studies to support your agreement. Address the question of 'to what extent' by acknowledging counterarguments. For the steps, elaborate on how each measure works in practiceβe.g., how parents can enforce limits or how government programs can be implemented. Ensure the conclusion directly summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure: introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, transitions between sentences and paragraphs are weak. The first body paragraph jumps from young minds to toddlers to an experiment without clear logical flow. The second body paragraph shifts abruptly from guardians to friend circles to government. Use of cohesive devices is limited ('First and foremost', 'To conquer these problems', 'In conclusion'), and some are misused (e.g., 'First and foremost' introduces a point but then no second point follows). Paragraphing is present but not well-developed.
Examples
The sentence 'Specially when it comes to toddlers, they want to copy everything they see' is awkwardly placed after a general statement. The shift from 'parenting is not the only measure' to 'friend circle' lacks a connector. The final paragraph starts with 'In conclusion' but then repeats 'To sum up' unnecessarily.
How to Improve
Improve coherence by using clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Use a range of linking words (e.g., 'furthermore', 'on the other hand', 'as a result') to show relationships. Avoid multiple concluding phrases. Ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and develops it logically before moving to the next.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
The vocabulary is basic and repetitive. Words like 'violent', 'influence', 'children' are used frequently. Attempts at more complex words are often incorrect (e.g., 'thriving' instead of 'thrilling', 'violating content' instead of 'violent content'). Spelling errors ('Threre', 'childrens', 'softwares') and wrong collocations ('play the pivotal role' is awkward) are common. There is little use of synonyms or topic-specific vocabulary (e.g., 'media', 'aggressive behavior', 'censorship').
Examples
'Young minds can easily adapt habits by observing their environment' β 'adapt habits' is not natural; better 'pick up habits' or 'imitate behaviors'. 'child- friendly softwares' should be 'child-friendly software' (uncountable). 'From an experiment it is clear' is vague; a more precise expression like 'research indicates' would be better.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms for common words (e.g., 'impact', 'effect', 'shape'). Use precise terms related to the topic (e.g., 'desensitization', 'aggression', 'media literacy'). Proofread to eliminate spelling errors. Practice using collocations naturally (e.g., 'play a pivotal role', 'curb violence'). Avoid informal or invented expressions.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
The essay shows a limited range of grammatical structures. Simple sentences dominate, with some attempts at complex sentences that are often incorrect. Errors in subject-verb agreement ('Youngsters that grow up watching... will probably become' β correct here, but 'their surrounding has' should be 'surroundings have'), tense consistency ('watching... might actually want'), and article usage ('the quantity of violence' is fine but 'a question of much debate' needs 'a question of great debate'). Punctuation is weak, especially missing commas after introductory phrases (e.g., 'First and foremost,' is correct but 'Specially when it comes to toddlers,' needs comma). There are run-on sentences.
Examples
'From an experiment it is clear that their surrounding has a great role on their behaviour' β 'surrounding' should be plural 'surroundings', and 'role on' is incorrect (role in). 'Threre is a saying' β spelling error and missing comma. 'this will divert them from doing wrong to learning as they play' β awkward structure; better 'This will divert them from wrongdoing and encourage learning through play.'
How to Improve
Practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Focus on subject-verb agreement, correct prepositions, and article usage. Review punctuation rules, especially commas and full stops. Read model essays to see how grammatical structures are used effectively. Proofread writing carefully to catch errors before finalizing.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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