This Band 5.5 IELTS essay discusses the impact of media violence on young people's behavior. While it identifies parental roles in mitigating this influence, it struggles with coherence and grammatical accuracy, which are crucial for achieving a higher band score.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: Hello User, the essay addresses the topic and meets the word count requirement. However, it lacks depth in argumentation, has issues with coherence and cohesion, and demonstrates limited lexical variety and grammatical accuracy. Improvements in these areas are necessary to achieve a higher band score.
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Personally, I would say I agree with this statement. It is because young people always learned from whatever they see and they always tried to follow based on the what they've been looking at. In addition, some of movies shows a lot of violence which is influenced tha bad behaviour for a young people. But, the parents of the young children has to do some boundaries about what kind of things they need to see. The parents should know what is the best for their own children. It is because you already make decision to have your own children and it is your job to make your children become a good person, which is a children with the good behaviour, especially when it comes to society. The kind of something that parents can do about increasing the bad influence quantity of violence seen on television and in movies is the parents must give their children the information since childhood about how bad the quantity of violence that they get from the television and movies. In other words, the parents needs to build their awareness and knowledge about the effect about it. Furthermore, the children has the ability to choose which kind of television or movies that is suitable for them to watch or see. If the parents successfully tell to their children and the children like to hear it and doing it, I would say they wouldn't get the influence of the bad behaviour from the what they already seen, such as television and movies.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
1 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| tha | the |
Grammatical Mistakes
10 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| learned from whatever they see | learn from whatever they see | Wrong tense: 'learn' correctly matches with 'always' |
| tried to follow | try to follow | Wrong tense: 'try' is present tense, matching 'always' |
| some of movies shows | some movies show | Subject-verb agreement and unnecessary article |
| for a young people | for young people | Incorrect article usage: 'a' should not be used with plural 'people' |
| parents of the young children has | parents of young children have | Subject-verb agreement: 'parents' is plural and requires 'have' |
| it is your job to make your children become | it is your job to make your children | Unnecessary word 'become' |
| is a children | is a child | Incorrect singular/plural: 'children' should be 'child' |
| parents needs | parents need | Subject-verb agreement: 'parents' is plural and requires 'need' |
| the children has | the children have | Subject-verb agreement: 'children' is plural and requires 'have' |
| from the what | from what | Unnecessary use of article 'the' |
Vocabulary Improvements
4 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| kind of something | sort of measure | Vague expression; more specific alternative suggested |
| bad behaviour | negative behavior | Informal; 'negative behavior' is a more precise alternative |
| doing it | following it | Incorrect word: 'following' better aligns with the context |
| effect about it | effect of it | Incorrect preposition; 'of' is appropriate for 'effect' |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response6
Evaluation
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear position on the topic. It discusses the influence of violence in media on young people and suggests parental involvement as a solution. However, the arguments are underdeveloped, and the essay lacks a balanced discussion or consideration of alternative perspectives.
Examples
The essay mentions that 'parents must give their children the information since childhood' but does not elaborate on how this can be effectively implemented or provide specific examples.
How to Improve
Develop arguments further by providing specific examples, evidence, or data to support claims. Consider discussing counterarguments or alternative viewpoints to create a more balanced response.
Coherence & Cohesion5.5
Evaluation
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, ideas are not well-connected, and transitions between sentences and paragraphs are weak. Repetition of ideas and phrases reduces the overall cohesion.
Examples
Phrases like 'the parents of the young children has to do some boundaries' and 'the parents must give their children the information' are repeated without adding new insights.
How to Improve
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more effectively. Avoid repetition and ensure each paragraph contributes a distinct point to the overall argument.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
The essay uses basic vocabulary and expressions, but there is limited variety. Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, and there is over-reliance on simple phrases.
Examples
Phrases like 'bad behaviour for a young people' and 'the kind of something that parents can do' demonstrate limited lexical range and awkward phrasing.
How to Improve
Expand your vocabulary by learning and practicing more precise and varied expressions. Avoid repetitive language and aim for more sophisticated word choices.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, with frequent errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence construction. These errors affect clarity and readability.
Examples
Errors include 'some of movies shows,' 'the parents of the young children has to do,' and 'the children has the ability.'
How to Improve
Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by practicing subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure. Use a mix of simple and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider grammatical range.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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