This Band 5.5 IELTS essay discusses the influence of media violence on youth. Although it addresses the task, it suffers from structure and clarity issues that hinder the overall argument. Understanding these feedback points can help improve your essay writing skills.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: Hello User, the essay addresses the topic and meets the word count requirement of 280 words. However, it lacks clear structure and sufficient explanation to support the arguments fully and has numerous grammatical and lexical issues.
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Throughout history, the mankind had always been acompanied by violence. In parts of it, violence was even a kind of entertainmant. So said, we can say that the situation didn't move much from that time and now we too are getting entertainance from violence, with only one difference and that difference is that now violence is shown in videogames, films, even cartoons or anime, not in real life as it was before.
Saying all that, i still agree with the statement that showing so much violence may make the young people more violent, but to be honest and sincere, i do not think it has such a big influence as other people tend to give itAlthough a lot of violence may entartain a child, it is still very unlikely that it will affect child's mind. Moreover, a lot of ways of showing and at least particulary experience violence may only deteoriate and lessen the violence as people who want to commit it would be able to do it in games, not in real life. That being said, it still makes violence more normal in minds of other people, and a lot of teenagers start to romantise it and even enter some real gangs.To lessen violence, the main thing that the goverment should prioritise is to lessen the difference between rich and poor, cause poor are the main chunck of people who start to do violence to earn money, etc
Also the goverment must prioritise counter measures, fund police and national guards more. The next step would be to propagade a police officer as a good job for young people, it better to make them not do violence but fight it
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
12 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| mankind | humankind |
| acomanied | accompanied |
| entertainmant | entertainment |
| entertainance | entertainment |
| videogames | video games |
| entartain | entertain |
| particulary | particularly |
| deteoriate | deteriorate |
| romantise | romanticize |
| goverment | government |
| chunck | chunk |
| propagade | propagate |
Grammatical Mistakes
10 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| the mankind had always been | humankind has always been | Incorrect article and verb tense; 'mankind' should be 'humankind' and 'has' is the correct auxiliary verb for present perfect |
| So said, we can say that | Therefore, we can say that | Incorrect phrase; 'so said' is not standard English |
| i still agree | I still agree | Pronoun 'I' should always be capitalized |
| it has such a big influence as other people tend to give it | it has as much influence as other people tend to believe | Incorrect phrase structure affecting clarity |
| affect child's mind | affect a child's mind | Missing article 'a' |
| ways of showing and at least particulary experience | ways of showing and at least partially experiencing | Incorrect form; needs gerund for parallelism |
| and lessen the violence as people | and lessen violence as people | The plural noun 'violence' does not require an article in this context |
| makes violence more normal in minds | normalizes violence in the minds | 'Normalizes' is the standard verb form; also requires an article 'the' |
| fund police and national guards more | increase funding for the police and national guard | Better expression of increasing funding; singular for 'national guard' is more conventional |
| it better to make them | it is better to prevent them from | Missing verb 'is'; incorrect infinitive use |
Vocabulary Improvements
4 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| violence was even a kind of entertainment | violence was even considered a form of entertainment | Improves formality and academic tone |
| real gangs | criminal gangs | More precise terminology |
| To lessen the difference between rich and poor | To reduce economic disparities | More formal and precise vocabulary |
| cause poor are the main chunck of people | since the disadvantaged are the main group | Improves language formality and clarity |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response6
Evaluation
The task response is reasonable as it addresses the two parts of the question: the extent of agreement and steps to lessen violence. The writer agrees with the prompt but also offers counter-arguments. Solutions are mentioned but are not sufficiently detailed.
Examples
The essay states that violence in media may make young people more violent but downplays its influence. It suggests reducing the wealth gap and improving law enforcement.
How to Improve
Provide more detailed explanations and evidence to support claims. Elaborate on suggested solutions to make them more convincing and comprehensive.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay lacks a clear structure, with ideas not organized in a coherent manner. There are abrupt shifts in points of view, and some arguments are not logically connected.
Examples
The transition from the impact of media violence to government policies does not flow smoothly. The structure is not consistent.
How to Improve
Organize ideas logically, ensuring each paragraph has one clear point supported by evidence. Use transitions to connect ideas more smoothly.
Lexical Resource5.5
Evaluation
The lexical range is limited with some inaccuracies. Several spelling mistakes and inappropriate word choices hinder clarity.
Examples
Errors include 'acompanied', 'entertainmant', 'deteoriate', 'entartain', and 'propagade'.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary and check for spelling errors. Use more precise language to express ideas clearly.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
The essay contains frequent grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, punctuation issues, and sentence fragments.
Examples
Issues include tense errors ('the mankind had always been'), article misuse, and run-on sentences.
How to Improve
Focus on basic grammar, including verb tense consistency, sentence structure, and proper punctuation. Practice writing simple, correct sentences before increasing complexity.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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