This Band 5.5 IELTS essay discusses the impact of violence on youth and provides steps to reduce it. However, the arguments lack depth and supporting examples, leading to a superficial analysis of the issue.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay meets the word count (282 words) and addresses both parts of the question: it states a clear agreement with the statement and suggests a few steps to reduce violence. However, the development of ideas is limited – only one main reason is given and supported with a vague reference to a newspaper article, and the proposed steps are superficially described. The response lacks depth and specific examples. There are also noticeable errors in vocabulary and grammar that affect clarity. Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic but adequate response to the task.
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Nowadays, people can see quantity of violence on television and in movies that can influence the behaviour of our young people. Consequently, it raises the level of violence in our society. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this point of view and this essay will explore the reason for agreeing this and several steps to lessen violence.
The most compelling reason for watching the violence videos affects the young people is that youngsters may imitate the behaviour and mindset easily from that videos. In addition, those can affect the psychology and physical health of adolescents. According to the New York Times, some young people, who watch the quantity of violence, commited small crimes" title="Correction: small crimes">the small crimes such as theft and robbery in 2016. This is the result of watching the crime and violence videos and young people also want to try to commit the crime the same as the crime in the videos.
Regarding the steps to lessen violence, parents have responsibilities for prevent their children from break the law. To illustrate, parents must monitor and warn their children not to watch brutal movies. Furthermore, they have to control the screen time of their children and make sure to read laws, so that children will realise that every citizens must observe the laws. Moreover, the young people can participate in campaign, such as ENDviolence campaign and KnifeFree campaign, in their free time.
To sum up, I wholeheartedly agree with the quantity of violence impact the behaviour of young people, and as a result, raises the level of violence in our cociety. The government and parents must take leading in reducing the violences, and every citizens need to take part in lessening juvenile crimes.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
2 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| commited | committed |
| cociety | society |
Grammatical Mistakes
11 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| quantity of violence | a quantity of violence | Missing article before the countable noun phrase 'quantity' |
| from that videos | from those videos | Demonstrative pronoun 'that' should be plural 'those' to agree with 'videos' |
| agreeing this | agreeing with this | Missing preposition 'with' after 'agreeing' |
| the small crimes | small crimes | Unnecessary definite article; 'small crimes' is general here |
| for prevent | to prevent | Incorrect preposition; 'responsibilities' is followed by 'to' + infinitive |
| from break the law | from breaking the law | After preposition 'from', verb should be gerund 'breaking' |
| every citizens | every citizen | Subject-verb agreement: 'every' requires a singular noun |
| take leading in | take the lead in | Incorrect collocation; 'take the lead' is the correct phrase |
| reducing the violences | reducing violence | 'Violence' is uncountable; no article or plural needed |
| every citizens need | every citizen needs | Subject-verb agreement: 'every citizen' is singular, requires 'needs' |
| watching the violence videos affects the young people | watching violent videos affects young people | Double verb structure fixed; 'violence' should be adjective 'violent'; remove 'the' before 'young people' |
Vocabulary Improvements
5 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| quantity of violence | amount of violence | 'Quantity' is typically used for countable nouns; 'amount' is better for uncountable 'violence' |
| violence videos | violent videos | Adjective 'violent' is more appropriate than noun 'violence' as modifier |
| small crimes | petty crimes | 'Petty' is a more precise and academic term for minor offenses |
| lessen violence | reduce violence | 'Reduce' is more formal and commonly used in academic writing |
| juvenile crimes | juvenile crime | Crime as a concept is uncountable; use singular form for general reference |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay directly addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement and offering steps to lessen violence. However, the argument is underdeveloped: only one reason (imitation) is provided, and the supporting evidence (a New York Times example) is too vague and lacks detail. The steps suggested (parental monitoring, campaigns) are relevant but not elaborated or justified. The conclusion restates the position but does not extend the discussion. The response is on-topic but lacks the depth required for a higher band.
Examples
The essay states 'According to the New York Times, some young people... committed small crimes such as theft and robbery in 2016' without citing a specific study, date, or context, making the evidence weak. The steps 'parents must monitor and warn their children' and 'young people can participate in campaign' are listed but not explained how they effectively reduce violence.
How to Improve
To improve, fully develop each main point. Provide a second clear reason why media violence affects behaviour, and use specific, accurate examples (e.g., statistics, well-known studies). For the steps, explain how each measure works (e.g., how monitoring changes behaviour, what campaigns actually do) and consider other actors like schools or media regulation. Ensure the conclusion briefly summarises both parts of the answer.
Coherence & Cohesion5.5
Evaluation
The essay has a recognisable structure: introduction, one body paragraph for the agreement, one body paragraph for steps, and a conclusion. However, cohesion is weak. Transition words are limited to 'In addition', 'Furthermore', 'Moreover' and 'To sum up'. Paragraphs are not well-linked, and ideas within the body paragraph jump from reason to example without clear logical flow. The introduction repeats the question rather than paraphrasing it effectively.
Examples
The first body paragraph begins with 'The most compelling reason...' but then moves abruptly to 'In addition, those can affect...' without a clear connection. The second body paragraph shifts from 'parents have responsibilities' to 'they have to control screen time' without linking these ideas. The conclusion uses 'I wholeheartedly agree' but does not clearly reference the steps, creating a slight disconnect.
How to Improve
Use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., 'As a result', 'Consequently', 'On the one hand', 'Furthermore', 'In contrast') and ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by explanation and example. Organise the second body paragraph more coherently: first describe steps by parents, then by society/campaigns, with clear signposting. Avoid repeating the question wording in the introduction – paraphrase it.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
The vocabulary is basic and repetitive. Key terms like 'violence', 'young people', and 'videos' are used multiple times with little variation. There are some attempts at less common words ('brutal movies', 'juvenile crimes') but these are not always accurate. Collocation errors occur (e.g., 'read laws' instead of 'learn about/understand laws', 'quantity of violence' instead of 'amount of violence', 'commited' misspelled). The range is insufficient for a higher band.
Examples
Examples of repetition: 'violence' appears five times, 'young people' three times. Errors include 'commited' (should be 'committed'), 'cociety' (should be 'society'), 'prevent their children from break the law' (should be 'from breaking the law'), 'every citizens' (should be 'every citizen' or 'all citizens'). The phrase 'the quantity of violence impact' lacks correct verb form (should be 'impacts').
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning synonyms for common words (e.g., 'violence' → 'aggression', 'brutality', 'harmful content'; 'young people' → 'adolescents', 'the youth', 'minors'). Use more precise terms for actions ('imitate' → 'emulate', 'monitor' → 'supervise'). Proofread for spelling errors and practice correct collocations (e.g., 'commit a crime', 'observe the law', 'take part in campaigns'). Read sample essays to see how topic-specific vocabulary is used.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
The essay contains frequent grammatical errors that interfere with clarity. Sentence structures are mostly simple or compound, with limited use of complex sentences. There are errors in subject-verb agreement, articles, prepositions, and verb forms. While the meaning is generally understandable, the accuracy is not consistent enough for a higher band.
Examples
Examples: 'people can see quantity of violence' (missing article: 'a quantity of violence' or 'the quantity of violence'), 'this essay will explore the reason for agreeing this' (missing preposition: 'agreeing with this'), 'watching the violence videos affects the young people' (article misuse; better: 'violent videos affect young people'), 'parents have responsibilities for prevent their children from break the law' (should be 'to prevent' and 'from breaking'), 'every citizens must observe the laws' (subject-verb agreement: 'every citizen must observe the law').
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules: articles (a/an/the), subject-verb agreement, and verb patterns (e.g., 'prevent someone from doing something'). Practice writing complex sentences using subordination (e.g., 'Although many people believe...', 'Because young people are impressionable...'). Proofread each sentence for errors or use grammar-check tools. Focus on tenses – the essay uses present tense but occasionally shifts incorrectly (e.g., 'youngsters may imitate...' is fine, but 'commited' should be 'commit' or 'committed' consistently).
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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