This Band 5.5 IELTS Writing Task 2 essay addresses the influence of media violence on youth behavior. It highlights coherence issues and grammatical errors, offering insights on how to enhance clarity and depth to achieve a higher score.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society today.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay addresses the topic, providing an opinion agreeing with the statement about media violence influencing youth behavior. However, it lacks depth in developing the argument and contains various grammatical and coherence issues, leading to an overall band score of 5.5.
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Crime is the major concern of today's society, rapid increase in crime" title="Correction: there is a rapid increase in crime">there is rapid increase in crime due to negative influence. Major number of individuals think that the quantity of crime and violence seen on TV and films incourage the habits of our youngsters which can lead to increase the rate of crime in our society. I am totally agree with this statement.
Young people can esaily get motivated by what they saw and they try to copy same things for example, if we incourage them to do something risky they will follow the insturctation and do it without ant fear. Therefore, a movie which promote violence and dangerous scene can easily influences young kids. Moreover, we have seen when teenagers watch this type of films they try to copy same actions like jumping from building, try to create same fight scece with friends which can lead to accidents.
Furthermore, there are many incidents of crime where young kid try to copy same as a famous actor for the movies for example, in Bihar, India many young people are involve in crime by watching films and TV shows like Breaking bad, Narcos, God Father and many more. These shows and movies are made for good information but young generation take it as a motivation to do crime.
Government should make rules about age limit, people under 18 should not allowed to watch crime movies. Film industry should make movies like Lion king, Kung fu Panda which inspire and motivate young children. There are many cinama hall who allow youngesters to watch all type of movies so, government should ban those type of halls or take a strict action against them.
To conclusion, motivational movies should be more promoted rather then crime movies for the better future of our young people.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
7 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| incourage | encourage |
| esaily | easily |
| insturctation | instruction |
| ant | any |
| scece | scene |
| cinama | cinema |
| youngesters | youngsters |
Grammatical Mistakes
9 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| there is rapid increase in crime | there is a rapid increase in crime | Article missing before 'rapid' |
| Major number of individuals think | A large number of individuals think | Incorrect phrase: 'Major number' is not a standard term |
| lead to increase the rate of crime | lead to an increase in the rate of crime | Incorrect structure: 'increase the rate' needs an article 'an' and 'in' |
| I am totally agree | I totally agree | Incorrect verb form: 'am agree' is not used in English |
| when teenagers watch this type of films | when teenagers watch this type of film | Incorrect noun form: 'type of' is followed by a singular noun |
| same as a famous actor for the movies | same as a famous actor from the movies | 'For' should be 'from' as the source of inspiration |
| people under 18 should not allowed | people under 18 should not be allowed | Passive form requires 'be' before the past participle |
| there are many cinema hall who allow | there are many cinema halls that allow | Incorrect noun form: 'hall' should be 'halls' and 'who' should be 'that' for non-human subjects |
| To conclusion | In conclusion | Incorrect preposition: 'To' should be 'In' for concluding phrases |
Vocabulary Improvements
5 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Major concern | Significant concern | More precise term than 'major' |
| rapid increase | sharp increase | More precise expression than 'rapid' |
| negative influence | adverse effects | More specific term for negative impact |
| same fight scene | similar fight scenes | Better collocation |
| take it as a motivation to do | interpret it as motivation for committing | More precise phrase |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response6
Evaluation
The essay sufficiently addresses both parts of the task. It provides a clear opinion regarding the impact of media on youth and suggests ways to mitigate this issue.
Examples
The essay articulates agreement with the statement and suggests age restrictions and promoting inspirational films as solutions.
How to Improve
Develop arguments further by providing more detailed explanations and examples for how media violence contributes to societal violence and how proposed measures could effectively address the issue.
Coherence & Cohesion5.5
Evaluation
The essay follows a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are coherence issues due to repetitive ideas and lack of clear connections between sentences and paragraphs.
Examples
Transition words and phrases are used minimally, and ideas often appear disconnected.
How to Improve
Improve cohesion by using linking words more effectively to connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single clear point, supporting the central argument.
Lexical Resource5.5
Evaluation
The vocabulary is adequate but limited, with some repetition and inappropriate word choices.
Examples
Words like 'incourage' and 'influences' are used incorrectly, affecting clarity.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary range by learning synonyms and context-appropriate words. Avoid repetition and check word usage in context.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
The essay exhibits frequent grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms, sentence fragments, and punctuation issues.
Examples
Errors include 'incourage', 'esaily', and 'ant fear', which hinder comprehension.
How to Improve
Focus on basic grammar principles by revisiting verb forms, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Proofread for errors and practice writing complex sentences accurately.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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