This Band 5.5 IELTS Writing Task 2 essay addresses the influence of media violence on youth behavior. Feedback highlights needs for enhanced vocabulary use and improved coherence, emphasizing the importance of precise language and structured ideas.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (271 words) and addresses both parts of the task by agreeing with the statement and suggesting steps. However, ideas are underdeveloped, and there are issues with vocabulary accuracy and grammatical errors, which limit the overall effectiveness.
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As of late, many people believe that young people now become encouraged due to the intensive telecast of violence via television and movies, which causes the violence in our society. Before earlier, the prevalence of telecasting violence and dangerous contents were not so usual, but now it is a very common scene to see this type of contents in the media. I strongly agree with the notion and believe that young individuals behaviour is influenced due to the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies.
One of the main reason media violence affects the behaviour of young people is that they are highly impressionable. Repetitive exposure to aggressive scenes can desensitise the teenagers to violence. As a result, it appears normal to do aggressive activities to them. For instance, study showed that, teenagers who watch violent movies and contents excessively, become aggressive later in school.
Furthermore, ecessive contents in media can lessen up the empathy and emotional regulation. When young individuals frequently watch conflicts, antagonism, they become antisocial, insensitive to emotion and lose their problem solving ability through peace.
To address this issue, several impactful steps can be taken. Government can stricter the regulations for violent contents by age rating system. Besides, violent and aggressive contents telecast should be demolished or lessend up. Moreover, parents should be more careful and strict in terms of aggressive behaviour of their offspring.
To conclude, I strongly agree that violent contents can influence the young peoples behaviour. However, strict rules implications by governement and careful monitoring by parents and school can reduce this issue and help to alter their mode of being entertained.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
3 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| ecessive | excessive |
| lessend | lessened |
| governement | government |
Grammatical Mistakes
9 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Before earlier | In the past | Redundant phrase; use a single term for past time |
| the prevalence of telecasting violence and dangerous contents were not so usual | the prevalence of telecasting violence and dangerous content was not so common | Subject-verb agreement: 'prevalence' is singular, so 'was' is required; also 'content' is uncountable and 'usual' is better as 'common' |
| this type of contents | this type of content | 'Content' is an uncountable noun and should be singular here |
| young individuals behaviour | young individuals' behaviour | Missing possessive apostrophe |
| One of the main reason | One of the main reasons | 'One of' must be followed by a plural noun |
| desensitise the teenagers | desensitise teenagers | Omit 'the' for general reference to teenagers |
| study showed that, teenagers who watch violent movies and contents excessively, become aggressive | a study showed that teenagers who watch violent movies and content excessively become aggressive | Missing article 'a' before 'study', unnecessary comma after 'that', and 'content' should be singular |
| lessen up the empathy | reduce empathy | 'Lessen up' is a non-standard phrase; use 'reduce' or 'diminish' |
| Government can stricter the regulations | The government can tighten the regulations | 'Stricter' is an adjective; use a verb phrase like 'tighten' or 'make stricter' |
Vocabulary Improvements
6 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| As of late | Recently | Informal phrase; 'Recently' is more academic |
| telecast | broadcast | 'Telecast' is less common; 'broadcast' is standard in academic writing |
| dangerous contents | violent content | 'Dangerous' is vague in this context; 'violent' is more precise for media violence |
| common scene | common occurrence | 'Scene' is not ideal for frequency; 'occurrence' is more appropriate |
| demolished | eliminated | 'Demolished' is too strong and typically used for physical structures; use 'eliminated' or 'reduced' for content |
| offspring | children | 'Offspring' is overly formal in this context; 'children' is simpler and more common |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
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Task Response6
Evaluation
The essay presents a clear position (strongly agree) and covers both parts of the question: extent of agreement and steps to lessen violence. However, the development is somewhat superficial. Examples are vague, and steps are not elaborated in detail.
Examples
The example 'study showed that, teenagers who watch violent movies... become aggressive later in school' is not specific or cited. Steps like 'Government can stricter the regulations' are mentioned but lack depth.
How to Improve
Provide more detailed examples, such as referencing specific studies or statistics. Elaborate on how steps like age rating systems or parental monitoring would work in practice to strengthen the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion5.5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, cohesion is occasionally disrupted by awkward phrasing and limited use of linking devices, affecting the flow of ideas.
Examples
Phrases like 'Before earlier' are confusing and disrupt the logical flow. Transitions between paragraphs are functional but could be smoother, e.g., moving from reasons to steps.
How to Improve
Use a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' 'Consequently') to connect ideas. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that sentences within paragraphs link logically.
Lexical Resource5.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is adequate for the task but with several errors in word choice, spelling, and appropriateness. Some words are repeated, and there is a lack of sophisticated lexical items.
Examples
Misspellings: 'ecessive' (excessive), 'lessend up' (lessened or reduced). Inappropriate word choice: 'demolished' for content removal, 'implications' for implementation. Unclear phrasing: 'alter their mode of being entertained.'
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary range by using more precise synonyms (e.g., 'desensitization' instead of 'desensitise'). Proofread for spelling errors and avoid informal phrases like 'lessen up.'
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5.5
Evaluation
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent, affecting clarity and accuracy. Issues include article misuse, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation.
Examples
Errors: 'One of the main reason' (should be 'reasons'), 'study showed that, teenagers' (comma splice), 'can lessen up the empathy' (incorrect phrasal verb), 'young individuals behaviour' (missing apostrophe).
How to Improve
Practice forming complex sentences correctly with appropriate conjunctions. Focus on grammatical accuracy, especially articles (a/an/the), plural forms, and possessive apostrophes. Review punctuation rules to avoid comma splices.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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