This essay received a Band 5 for its analysis of how media violence influences youth behavior. Key issues included clarity in argumentation and a lack of relevant examples. Understanding these areas for improvement can help elevate your IELTS writing score.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (338 words) but has significant issues. It partially addresses the task: it expresses agreement that media violence influences youth negatively and suggests government action, but the first body paragraph is largely irrelevant (discussing technology's general benefits rather than the question). The response lacks depth, with weak examples and a poorly developed proposal for reducing violence. Cohesion is limited by abrupt transitions and unclear paragraph focus. Lexical errors (e.g., 'violeence', 'prioseners', 'entertaiment') and frequent grammatical mistakes (subject-verb agreement, tense errors, fragment structure) reduce clarity. Overall, the essay is below the expected standard for a Band 6.
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There is an ongoing debate regarding whether the quantity of violeence seen on television influences the behaviour of young people which raises violence or not. This essay will analyze both benefits and drawbacks of violence seen o television before explaining why I believe violence scenario on television and in movies influences young peple negatively.
Technology makes our lives easier because it has influenced every sector of human lives. From banking to entertainment technology contols everything. Television is not only a great invention of science but also responsible for changing the entertainment industry and make it possible to watch movies from home. Movies includes a lot action scenarios and violences to make plots more interesting and invariably people enjoy that. It helps peopleto understand violence actions because some movies were build to raise awarness on social issues. For example, in 2010 bollywood release a movie named Thappar which includes some illegal and violence activities to raise awarness among women on domestic abuse.
In contrast, most movies include violences as entertainment and here the problem arise because numerous people watch these movies and can consider violence as funny. This consideration can increase the level of violence because many individuals will not be able to distinguish between harmful activities and entertainment. Furthermore, A considerable amount of movies demonstrate not only every details of violence but also how to conduct the harmful acts and that can help people to learn theses activities. For example, The Book Theif movie displayed how a servant perform illegal activities.
From my point of view, since young people have curious mind they can learn these behaviours easily and try apply them as well which can be dangerous for society. For example, a report in India shows a significant number of prioseners who conducted violences were inspired by wither movies or films. Therefore, I think it influences people negatively and the government should ban unnecessary violence scenarios from movies and television .
In conclusion, even though some consider violence in films as entertaiment, many got influences by it.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
13 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| violeence | violence |
| o | on |
| peple | people |
| contols | controls |
| violences | violence |
| peopleto | people to |
| awarness | awareness |
| Thappar | Thappad |
| theses | these |
| Theif | Thief |
| prioseners | prisoners |
| wither | either |
| entertaiment | entertainment |
Grammatical Mistakes
17 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| violence scenario | violence scenarios | Number agreement: 'scenario' should be plural to match multiple instances |
| Movies includes | Movies include | Subject-verb agreement: 'Movies' is plural, requires 'include' |
| a lot action | a lot of action | Missing preposition 'of' after 'a lot' |
| were build | were built | Past participle of 'build' is 'built' |
| make it possible | made it possible | Tense consistency: past tense needed to match 'responsible for changing' |
| in 2010 bollywood release a movie | in 2010, Bollywood released a movie | Capitalization, comma, and past tense required |
| the problem arise | the problem arises | Subject-verb agreement: 'problem' is singular, requires 'arises' |
| a considerable amount of movies | a considerable number of movies | Use 'number' for countable entities like movies |
| not only every details | not only every detail | Singular 'detail' after 'every' |
| young people have curious mind | young people have curious minds | Plural 'minds' to match 'young people' |
| try apply them | try to apply them | Missing infinitive 'to' after 'try' |
| a report in India shows | a report from India shows | Preposition 'in' should be 'from' to indicate origin |
| many got influences by it | many are influenced by it | Passive voice and tense correction: 'are influenced' instead of 'got influences' |
| consider violence as funny | consider violence funny | Remove redundant 'as' after 'consider' |
| to raise awarness among women on domestic abuse | to raise awareness among women about domestic abuse | Correct preposition 'about' for topics |
| perform illegal activities | performs illegal activities | Subject-verb agreement: 'servant' is singular, requires 'performs' |
| conducted violences | committed violence | Correct verb 'committed' for crimes; 'violence' uncountable |
Vocabulary Improvements
15 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| quantity of violence | amount of violence | Use 'amount' for uncountable nouns like 'violence' |
| raises violence | increases violent behavior | More precise phrasing; 'raise violence' is ambiguous |
| violence scenario | violent scenes | More natural collocation; 'scenario' is too broad |
| action scenarios | action sequences | Standard term in film context |
| violence actions | violent acts | More accurate and formal |
| were build to raise awarness | were made to raise awareness | 'Build' is informal; use 'made' or 'created' |
| consider violence as funny | view violence as amusing | 'Funny' is informal; 'amusing' is more suitable for academic tone |
| this consideration | this perception | 'Consideration' is vague; 'perception' is more specific to how people view violence |
| conduct the harmful acts | commit harmful acts | Collocation: 'commit acts' for wrongdoing |
| learn these activities | learn these behaviors | 'Activities' is too general; 'behaviors' is more relevant to conduct |
| curious mind | inquisitive nature | More formal and idiomatic |
| try apply them | attempt to emulate them | 'Try' is informal; 'attempt to emulate' is more academic |
| a report in India shows | a report from India indicates | 'Shows' is informal; 'indicates' is more formal for reports |
| significant number of prisoners who conducted violences | significant number of prisoners who committed violent acts | Correct verb and noun phrase |
| many got influences by it | many are influenced by it | 'Got influences' is informal; use passive voice |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
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Task Response
5
Evaluation
The essay addresses the topic but does not fully satisfy the task requirements. It states agreement that media violence affects youth and proposes banning unnecessary violence, but the first body paragraph discusses technology and a movie raising awareness—this is only tangentially relevant. The argument is underdeveloped, and the response lacks a clear, sustained position. The proposed steps to reduce violence are vague and insufficiently explained.
Examples
The first body paragraph begins with 'Technology makes our lives easier' and discusses a Bollywood movie 'Thappar' which raised awareness about domestic abuse—this does not directly address how media violence influences behavior. The conclusion is abrupt and does not summarize the argument effectively.
How to Improve
Stay focused on the question: discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the link between media violence and youth behavior, and provide specific, well-developed measures to reduce violence (e.g., parental controls, media education, stricter censorship). Avoid irrelevant general statements about technology. Ensure each paragraph directly supports your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure (introduction, two body paragraphs, a paragraph for opinion, conclusion) but lacks logical flow. The first body paragraph is disconnected from the essay's main argument. Transitions are weak ('In contrast' does not clearly connect the ideas). There is limited use of cohesive devices, and paragraphs often jump between points without clear linking.
Examples
The shift from the first body paragraph (benefits of violence in movies) to the second ('In contrast') is abrupt, and the second body paragraph discusses negative effects but also includes an unrelated example about 'The Book Thief'. The opinion paragraph introduces a new example (Indian prisoners) without a clear link to previous points.
How to Improve
Use a clear thesis statement in the introduction to outline your main points. Organize paragraphs around a single central idea (e.g., one paragraph for negative effects, one for solutions). Use linking words (e.g., 'however', 'furthermore', 'as a result') to connect sentences and paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph begins with a topic sentence.
Lexical Resource
5
Evaluation
The vocabulary range is limited and contains several errors and inappropriate word choices. There are attempts to use less common words ('invariably', 'consideration') but often incorrectly or in awkward contexts. Spelling mistakes ('violeence', 'peple', 'contols', 'prioseners', 'wither', 'entertaiment', 'awarness') are frequent and hinder readability.
Examples
'Technology makes our lives easier because it has influenced every sector of human lives' – repetitive use of 'lives'. 'A considerable amount of movies demonstrate not only every details of violence but also how to conduct the harmful acts' – awkward phrasing and incorrect countability ('amount of movies' should be 'number of movies'). 'prioseners' for 'prisoners'.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by reading academic articles on media influence. Practice using precise, topic-specific terms (e.g., 'desensitization', 'imitation', 'censorship', 'age verification'). Proofread for spelling errors. Use collocations naturally (e.g., 'raise awareness' is correct, but 'conduct harmful acts' is better as 'commit violent acts').
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
4.5
Evaluation
The essay demonstrates a narrow range of grammatical structures with frequent errors that affect clarity. There are issues with subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, article use, and sentence fragments. Complex sentences are attempted but often incorrectly constructed.
Examples
'young people have curious mind' – missing article ('a curious mind'). 'try apply them' – missing 'to' (try to apply). 'a report in India shows a significant number of prioseners who conducted violences were inspired by wither movies or films' – incorrect relative clause and 'wither' (should be 'either'). 'Technology makes our lives easier because it has influenced' – tense shift. Several run-on sentences without proper punctuation.
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules: subject-verb agreement, articles (a/an/the), verb patterns (try + infinitive). Practice writing complex sentences with subordinate clauses (e.g., 'Although some movies raise awareness, many glorify violence'). Use a variety of tenses appropriately. Read sample high-scoring essays to understand sentence structure. Proofread carefully.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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