This Band 5 IELTS essay discusses the influence of media violence on young people and the need for parental control. Despite addressing the prompt, the essay struggles with underdeveloped ideas and coherence issues, making it important for learners to see how to improve in these areas.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing that media violence influences young people and suggesting steps to lessen violence, meeting the word count (approximately 340 words). However, it is limited by underdeveloped ideas, frequent grammatical errors, inaccurate vocabulary, and coherence issues. Overall, it demonstrates a modest attempt but lacks clarity and sophistication.
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It is often argued that, violence by young people in our society have been raises dramatically, because violence seen on the television and in movies influences their behaviour. Since it is the major problem for world while the solution should be deployed before its become too late. This essay will discusses the major problems which can occurs due to this situation and provide an accurate solution.
One of the significant problem is that, the movies area not having any age criteria for their audiences which make it more worst situation. Although, television is common appliance for everyones' home nowadays where, different age group watches the television together which can again influences the behaviour of teenagers as well as childrens. For example, families are watching the action movie at home which may provides a negative effect to their young children. Therefor, the young people learn what they see and once become adult their brains may adopt violence from the begining.
To solve this problem, governement have to develop the age criteria for the films which shows in the theaters. Another solution is, parents should to control their children for watching movies they, should teach them what is negative infulance about movie violence. Also, governement should implement the standard or policy for running a disclimer before every movies. For example, in india every movies runs a disclimer about the thing which can motivate or hurts audiance negatively. Furthermore, the education sector like school have to tech their students about watching movies is a part of entertainment only instead students can read books or watch sports such as basketball or football which can motivate them positivly.
To conclude, as movies and television shows may infulences the behaviour of our younf people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. The major solution like parential control on their childern television anctivity and disclimer before the movie can helps often for the young people of society. By appling this control points can help to make better future for the society.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
21 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| have been raises | has been raised |
| discusses | discuss |
| occurs | occur |
| area | are |
| everyones' | everyone's |
| childrens | children |
| provides | provide |
| Therefor | Therefore |
| begining | beginning |
| governement | government |
| infulance | influence |
| disclimer | disclaimer |
| audiance | audience |
| tech | teach |
| positivly | positively |
| younf | young |
| parential | parental |
| childern | children |
| anctivity | activity |
| helps | help |
| appling | applying |
Grammatical Mistakes
7 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| violence by young people in our society have been raises dramatically | violence by young people in our society has been raised dramatically | Subject-verb agreement: 'violence' is singular and requires 'has been raised'. |
| the movies area not having any age criteria | the movies are not having any age criteria | Typographical error: 'area' should be 'are'. |
| which make it more worst situation | which makes it a worse situation | Subject-verb agreement and comparative form: 'makes' agrees with singular subject, and 'worse' is the correct comparative form. |
| different age group watches the television together | different age groups watch television together | Plural subject 'groups' requires plural verb 'watch'. |
| parents should to control their children | parents should control their children | Unnecessary 'to' after 'should'. |
| students about watching movies is a part of entertainment only | students that watching movies is only a part of entertainment | Improved sentence structure for clarity. |
| can helps often for the young people | can often help young people | Verb agreement: 'help' is the correct form after 'can'. |
Vocabulary Improvements
6 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| major problem | significant issue | More formal and precise phrasing. |
| make it more worst situation | exacerbate the situation | More formal and precise vocabulary. |
| negative effect | detrimental impact | More formal and academic phrasing. |
| provides a negative effect | has a detrimental impact | Improved verb choice and phrasing for clarity. |
| thing which can motivate or hurts audiance negatively | content that can influence or harm the audience negatively | More precise and formal phrasing. |
| make better future for the society | create a better future for society | Improved phrasing for clarity and formality. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay responds to both parts of the question (extent of agreement and steps to lessen violence) but the argument is superficial and lacks depth. Ideas are presented but not fully expanded or supported with detailed examples.
Examples
The writer states that media violence influences behavior and proposes age criteria, parental control, disclaimers, and educational alternatives. However, points like 'in india every movies runs a disclimer' are briefly mentioned without elaboration.
How to Improve
Develop each main idea with specific examples, explanations, and evidence. Ensure that all suggestions are clearly linked to reducing violence and are explored in depth. Avoid vague statements and focus on coherent reasoning.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but coherence is disrupted by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Cohesive devices are used but not always effectively, leading to some disjointed ideas.
Examples
Transition words like 'One of the significant problem is', 'For example', 'To solve this problem', and 'Furthermore' are used, but sentences such as 'Although, television is common appliance...' confuse the flow. Paragraphing is present but could be more logical.
How to Improve
Organize paragraphs around single main ideas. Use cohesive devices (e.g., however, therefore, in addition) accurately to connect sentences and paragraphs. Proofread to improve clarity and ensure a smooth progression of arguments.
Lexical Resource4.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is limited and often inaccurate, with frequent spelling errors and repetitive word choice. There is an attempt to use topic-related terms, but errors impede communication.
Examples
Misspellings include 'governement' (government), 'infulance' (influence), 'disclimer' (disclaimer), 'begining' (beginning), and 'childern' (children). Words like 'violence' and 'movies' are overused without variation.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning and practicing academic words related to media and society. Use synonyms and collocations. Regularly check spelling with a dictionary or spell-check tool to improve accuracy.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammar is consistently inaccurate, with numerous errors in verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, articles, and sentence structure. Range is limited, primarily using simple sentences with mistakes.
Examples
Errors include 'violence ... have been raises' (correct: 'has risen'), 'This essay will discusses' (correct: 'will discuss'), 'parents should to control' (correct: 'should control'), and 'every movies' (correct: 'every movie'). Sentence fragments like 'Since it is the major problem...' are also present.
How to Improve
Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, especially verb forms, articles, and pluralization. Practice constructing complex sentences with clauses. Proofread essays to identify and correct errors, and consider using grammar exercises or feedback from teachers.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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