This Band 5 IELTS essay discusses the influence of media violence on youth behavior but suffers from underdeveloped ideas and weak cohesion. The author offers limited solutions and struggles with vocabulary precision. Discover key feedback to improve your writing skills.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count of 267 words and addresses the topic by agreeing that media violence influences young people and suggesting steps to reduce it. However, the arguments are underdeveloped, with limited elaboration on solutions. Cohesion is weak due to awkward transitions and paragraph structure. Vocabulary is repetitive and sometimes imprecise, and grammatical errors affect clarity. Overall, the response is adequate but lacks sophistication and depth.
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Most of the community agrees with the idea that violence seen on television and movies influences the behaviour of the young generation and, as a result, increases the violence in the community. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the point.
Young people can easily be persuaded to do good or bad. And they are always looking for new things and highlight-grammar" data-correct="like to stand out among their peers" title="Correction: like to stand out among their peers">like to highlight among their own age group. Because of their age, they are not emotionally mature and easily highlight-vocab" data-correct="encounter problems" title="Correction: encounter problems">get in trouble . All these actions can be triggered by action movies that show violence as heroic action. For instance, a student who studies in a very popular boys' college in Colombo stabbed his friend with a knife. After inquiring into the issue, highlight-grammar" data-correct="police detected that he was addicted" title="Correction: police detected that he was addicted">police had detected that he is addicted to computer action games and is a great fan of crime and action movies.By considering such things in our society, the higher courts should highlight-vocab" data-correct="enact new laws" title="Correction: enact new laws">take new laws and regulations regarding telecasting such movies on state channels and ban them for young groups to download from the internet, although.
Not only from the things young people watch, learn the things but also from their family backgrounds. I think in such situations, parents have to play a major role highlight-grammar" data-correct="as the primary caregivers responsible for the young" title="Correction: as the primary caregivers responsible for the young">as the main responsible persons of the young.By creating a highlight-vocab" data-correct="environment shielded from harmful influences" title="Correction: environment shielded from harmful influences">child-free environment and keeping good communication and relations with children, we can highlight-grammar" data-correct="prevent children from being influenced by violent things" title="Correction: prevent children from being influenced by violent things">avoid children's highlight-vocab" data-correct="influence of violent content" title="Correction: influence of violent content">influence on violent things in the community.
However,I strongly agree that the violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of young children and as a result raises the violence in our community.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Grammatical Mistakes
6 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| like to highlight among their own age group | like to stand out among their peers | Incorrect verb usage; 'highlight' is transitive and requires an object, while 'stand out' is intransitive and fits the context. |
| police had detected that he is addicted | police detected that he was addicted | Tense sequence error; use past tense in reported speech after a past main verb. |
| By considering such things in our society, the higher courts should take new laws and regulations regarding telecasting such movies on state channels and ban them for young groups to download from the internet, although. | Considering such things in our society, the higher courts should enact new laws and regulations regarding the telecast of such movies on state channels and ban young people from downloading them from the internet. | Awkward phrasing, incorrect use of 'although' (which is unnecessary here), and improper verb-noun collocation ('take laws' should be 'enact laws'). |
| Not only from the things young people watch, learn the things but also from their family backgrounds. | Young people learn not only from the things they watch but also from their family backgrounds. | Incomplete sentence structure; missing subject and verb. |
| as the main responsible persons of the young | as the primary caregivers responsible for the young | Awkward and non-idiomatic phrasing; 'caregivers' or 'guardians' is more appropriate. |
| avoid children's influence on violent things | prevent children from being influenced by violent things | Unclear and logically flawed phrasing; the intended meaning is to prevent influence from violence, not children influencing violent things. |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| highlight | stand out | Informal and incorrectly used; 'stand out' is more precise in this context. |
| get in trouble | encounter problems | Too informal for academic writing; use a more formal phrase. |
| great fan | avid fan | Colloquial; 'avid' is a more formal alternative. |
| take new laws | enact new laws | Incorrect collocation; 'enact' is the standard verb for making laws. |
| child-free environment | environment shielded from harmful influences | Vague and potentially confusing; clarify to convey the intended meaning. |
| keep good communication | maintain open communication | Slightly informal; 'maintain' is more formal than 'keep'. |
| influence on violent things | influence of violent content | Vague and incorrect preposition; use 'influence of' to indicate the source of influence. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay presents a clear position (agreement) and partially addresses both parts of the question (extent of agreement and steps to lessen violence). However, the development is limited: the example given (the student in Colombo) is vague and not sufficiently explained, and the steps (laws, parental role) are mentioned briefly without detailed expansion. The conclusion merely restates the opinion without adding new insights.
Examples
Example of underdevelopment: 'By creating a child-free environment and keeping good communication...' is vague and not linked clearly to reducing violence. The suggestion about courts and laws is introduced but not elaborated.
How to Improve
Fully develop each main idea with specific examples, explanations, and consequences. For steps, provide concrete actions (e.g., age ratings, media literacy programs) and explain how they would work. Ensure the conclusion summarizes key points without repetition.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but cohesion is impaired by poor transitions and logical flow. Paragraphing is attempted but not always effective; for instance, the second paragraph mixes ideas about media influence and family background. Linking words are minimal or misused (e.g., 'although' at the end of a sentence).
Examples
Awkward transition: 'Not only from the things young people watch, learn the things but also from their family backgrounds.' The sentence structure confuses the reader. The final paragraph repeats the introduction without advancing the argument.
How to Improve
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea. Employ cohesive devices (e.g., however, furthermore, consequently) appropriately to connect ideas. Avoid repetition and ensure the conclusion synthesizes arguments rather than restating them.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is adequate for basic communication but repetitive and sometimes inaccurate. There is limited range of lexical items, and word choice errors reduce precision. Some phrases are awkward or unclear.
Examples
Repetition of 'community' and 'young people'. Inaccurate phrase: 'like to highlight among their own age group' (likely meant 'stand out' or 'gain prominence'). Misspelling: 'inquiring' is correct, but overall lexical control is weak.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by using synonyms (e.g., 'adolescents' instead of 'young people', 'society' instead of 'community'). Practice precise word choice and collocations. Read model essays to learn more varied expressions related to social issues.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
Grammar is limited with frequent errors that occasionally hinder meaning. Sentence structures are mostly simple, with attempts at complex sentences but inaccuracies in punctuation, verb forms, and clause construction. Errors are noticeable throughout.
Examples
Run-on sentence: 'After inquiring into the issue, police had detected that he is addicted to computer action games and is a great fan of crime and action movies.By considering such things...' (missing space after period). Incomplete sentence ending with 'although'. Tense inconsistency: 'police had detected' vs. 'he is addicted'.
How to Improve
Practice using a variety of complex sentences (e.g., conditional, relative clauses) with correct punctuation. Focus on verb tense consistency and article usage. Proofread to avoid basic errors like missing spaces after periods. Consider grammar exercises or writing tools for feedback.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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