Achieving a Band 5 in the IELTS means recognizing key areas for improvement. This essay discusses the influence of media violence on youth behavior while highlighting coherence and clarity issues. The response lacks logical flow and detailed examples, which are crucial for a stronger performance.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society today.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (374 words) and addresses both parts of the question: agreeing that TV/movie violence influences youth behavior and suggesting steps to reduce violence. However, the response is underdeveloped, with simplistic ideas, repetitive content, and insufficient elaboration. Coherence is weak due to poor paragraph organization and limited use of cohesive devices. Lexical range is narrow, with frequent spelling and word choice errors. Grammatical errors are numerous and often impede clarity. The overall band score reflects these limitations.
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Violence is a widespread issue that affects individuals and society across the world. It is generally said that more aggression is observed in different movies and seriesthat result in cruelty in the young populace who watch them, which is one of the reasons that we see brutality in public. Indeed, I completely agree with this statement. The main agenda of this impending composition is to elaborate why i vote in favour of this notion, along with befitting examples.
There are numerous compelling reasons why I stand in favour of this stance. The prominent one is showing disrespect towards seniors. to elaborate it in a precise manner, nowadays, young people turn extremely aggressive even when ther are corrected on their mstakes. as a result, they present rudeness to their parents or elder ones. for instance, if the teeneagers are busy in watching watching the action movies and do not give sufficient time to their studies, they would easily become impolite to their parents when they are asked to study.
Another Important element to emphasise to continue the discussion is various thriller movies have actions and brutal scenes, which young ones watch and copy them, as they find those scenes highly attractive. The aftermath of this is that they would think of being a dominant figure in the eyes of the public. However, this would not be appreciable in the long run, and they would disobey everybody to show their power.
To prolong the discussion further, there are number of antidotes to curb this situation, the first one is that parents need to fix a proper time for watching television. Secondly, guardians also need to monitor what their offspring are watching in the early stage of life. Therefore, teenagers would not lose the original track of their life. Additionally, there ought to be a specific course that needs to be taught to young ones in their early childhood. As a result, they would be mastered in basic civic sense.
In conclusion, what teachers need to do is to observe the behaviours of the youngsters, and if they discover any behavioural changes to some extent, tutors are required to report the guardians as soon as possible. Thus, prevent them from getting involved in an offence in future.
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Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
4 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| ther | they |
| mstakes | mistakes |
| teeneagers | teenagers |
| i | I |
Grammatical Mistakes
11 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| seriesthat | series that | Missing space between words |
| to elaborate it | to elaborate on it | Missing preposition 'on' |
| busy in watching | busy watching | Incorrect preposition; 'busy' is followed directly by a gerund |
| watching watching | watching | Unnecessary repetition of word |
| Another Important element | Another important element | Unnecessary capitalization of 'Important' |
| there are number of | there are a number of | Missing indefinite article 'a' before 'number' |
| report the guardians | report to the guardians | Missing preposition 'to' after 'report' |
| Thus, prevent them | Thus, this prevents them | Fragment; subject missing β added 'this' to complete the sentence |
| they would be mastered in | they would master | Incorrect passive voice; 'master' is transitive and should be active |
| to emphasise to continue | to emphasise as we continue | Incorrect sequence of infinitives; rephrased for clarity |
| copy them | copy | Redundant object after relative pronoun 'which' |
Vocabulary Improvements
9 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| impending | present | 'Impending' means about to happen; here 'present' or 'current' is appropriate |
| vote in favour | am in favour | 'Vote' is informal for expressing personal opinion; use 'am in favour' or 'support' |
| present rudeness | show rudeness | 'Present rudeness' is not a standard collocation; 'show rudeness' or 'be rude' is better |
| actions | action scenes | 'Actions' as a plural noun is vague; 'action scenes' is more specific and accurate |
| appreciable | acceptable | 'Appreciable' means noticeable or considerable; here 'acceptable' or 'admirable' is intended |
| antidotes | solutions | 'Antidotes' are for poison; 'solutions' or 'remedies' is the correct term for problems |
| fix a proper time | set a specific time | 'Fix' is informal; 'set' is more formal and precise in this context |
| original track | right track | 'Original track of their life' is not idiomatic; 'right track' or 'path' is clearer |
| mastered in | master | 'Mastered in' is incorrect; 'master' is a transitive verb used without a preposition |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay clearly agrees with the statement and suggests steps such as parental monitoring, time limits, and teacher observation. However, the ideas are shallow and lack specific examples or evidence. The second part of the question (steps to lessen violence) is only superficially addressed, with no concrete or practical measures detailed. The argument is repetitive, and the conclusion introduces a new point about teachers that is not developed.
Examples
The essay mentions 'teenagers become impolite when asked to study' and 'copy violent scenes,' but these are generic and not supported by research or real-world instances. The suggested steps like 'fix a proper time' and 'specific course' are vague.
How to Improve
Expand each reason with specific examples or studies. Clearly separate the agreement part from the steps part. For steps, provide actionable, realistic measures with explanations. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure (introduction, body, conclusion), but paragraphing is not always logical. The first body paragraph mixes rudeness to seniors with watching action movies, while the second paragraph discusses copying violent scenes. Transitions like 'Another Important element' and 'To prolong the discussion further' are mechanical. Cohesive devices are limited, and there are abrupt shifts between ideas.
Examples
The introduction states 'The main agenda of this impending composition' which is awkward. The body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences. The conclusion attempts to summarize but introduces new content about teachers reporting guardians.
How to Improve
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Improve logical flow by linking ideas with appropriate connectors (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'In addition,' 'Consequently'). Avoid introducing new points in the conclusion. Ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is basic and repetitive, with several errors. Words like 'cruelty,' 'brutality,' and 'aggression' are used, but often incorrectly. There are spelling mistakes ('mstakes', 'ther', 'teeneagers') and awkward phrases ('impending composition', 'i vote in favour'). Limited use of synonyms or formal register.
Examples
Instead of 'young populace,' use 'young people' or 'adolescents.' 'Disrespect towards seniors' is acceptable but not varied. 'Antidotes to curb this situation' is a misused metaphor ('antidote' is for poison).
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning topic-specific words (e.g., 'influence,' 'desensitization,' 'parental guidance,' 'media literacy'). Proofread to eliminate spelling errors. Practice using a variety of sentence structures and formal academic phrases.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
The essay contains numerous grammatical errors that affect understanding. Issues include incorrect verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, capitalization, and run-on sentences. For example, 'young people turn extremely aggressive even when ther are corrected on their mstakes' contains spelling and agreement errors. Articles are frequently missing or misused. Sentence complexity is low, with overuse of simple structures.
Examples
'To elaborate it in a precise manner' should be 'To elaborate precisely.' 'they would think of being a dominant figure' is awkward. 'what teachers need to do is to observe' is grammatically acceptable but poorly structured. Many sentences begin with lowercase letters.
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules: capitalization, subject-verb agreement, and article usage. Practice writing complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Proofread carefully or use grammar-check tools. Focus on correcting common errors like 'there/their/they're' and verb tense consistency.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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