This essay received a Band 5 score for its discussion on the influence of violence in media on youth behavior. The main feedback indicates that it lacked depth and had repetitive ideas, which affected overall clarity and cohesion. To improve, students should focus on elaborating points with specific examples and enhancing the logical flow of their arguments.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay addresses the topic and meets the word count requirement (263 words). However, it lacks depth in development, with repetitive ideas and limited elaboration. The structure is basic but disjointed, vocabulary is simple and repetitive, and there are grammatical errors that affect clarity. Overall, it demonstrates a limited response to the task.
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It is a common opinion among people that young people, when they see violence on television and in films, are influenced. As a result, it increases the level of violence in our society.
I agree with the statement mentioned above. It has many harmful effects on our society. To lessen the violence, there are some steps, that could be taken.
In the present time, television is everywhere. Everyone watches movies and spends most of their time on television and on social media. So watching movies full of violence and tragedy can affect the behaviour of an individual. Due to this, society is also affected.
In my opinion, television has many effects on people. Watching violence on TV affects the behaviour of people. It has many harmful effects. Firstly, it can affect the mental health of people. People start hitting or beating each other. It can even cause death.Victims suffer a lot. Another effect of violence is on children. When someone starts fighting in front of children, this can affect the child. The child starts thinking that fighting is a good thing. When they become young, they start the same behaviour. They started violence, and this affected the whole society
There are some measures that should be taken to lessen violence. Teaching people about respect, sympathy, and spreading awareness through different campaigns. The government should enact strict laws against violence and impose punishment to people doing violence. Finally madia should avoid promoting violence and spread positive messages.
In conclusion, these steps should taken to lessen violence and movies which influence violence should be banned.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
1 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| madia | media |
Grammatical Mistakes
7 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| steps, that could be taken | steps that could be taken | Unnecessary comma before 'that' |
| death.Victims | death. Victims | Missing space after period |
| When they become young | When they grow up | Awkward phrasing; 'grow up' is more natural |
| They started violence, and this affected the whole society | They start violence, and this affects the whole society | Tense inconsistency; should use present tense for general statements |
| Teaching people about respect, sympathy, and spreading awareness through different campaigns. | Measures include teaching people about respect, empathy, and raising awareness through campaigns. | Sentence fragment; needs to be part of a complete sentence |
| impose punishment to people doing violence | impose punishment on people who commit violent acts | Preposition error; 'on' is used with 'impose punishment', and 'doing violence' is informal |
| these steps should taken | these steps should be taken | Missing auxiliary verb 'be' |
Vocabulary Improvements
10 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| common opinion among people | a common belief | Redundant; 'among people' is unnecessary |
| lessen the violence | reduce violence | 'Reduce' is more commonly used in formal contexts |
| In the present time | Nowadays | Informal and wordy; more concise alternative |
| television is everywhere | television is ubiquitous | Informal; 'ubiquitous' is more academic |
| hitting or beating each other | engaging in physical violence | Informal; more formal phrasing is appropriate for academic writing |
| cause death | result in fatalities | More precise and formal |
| Victims suffer a lot. | Victims experience significant harm. | Vague; 'a lot' is informal and imprecise |
| doing violence | committing violent acts | Informal and incorrect collocation; 'commit' is used with 'acts' |
| spread positive messages | disseminate positive messages | 'Disseminate' is more formal than 'spread' |
| movies which influence violence | movies that glorify violence | 'Influence violence' is vague; 'glorify violence' is more precise |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The writer addresses both parts of the question by agreeing and suggesting steps, but the position is not fully developed. Arguments are presented superficially without detailed examples or evidence.
Examples
For instance, the essay states 'It has many harmful effects' multiple times without explaining specific effects. Steps like 'Teaching people about respect' are mentioned but not elaborated.
How to Improve
Develop each point with specific examples, such as citing studies on media violence or detailing how campaigns could work. Ensure a clear, balanced argument that explores both agreement and potential counterpoints.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but the flow is uneven. Ideas are repetitive, and paragraph links are weak, reducing overall progression.
Examples
Paragraphs jump from general statements about television to effects on children without smooth transitions. Phrases like 'In my opinion' are used but do not connect ideas effectively.
How to Improve
Use cohesive devices (e.g., 'furthermore', 'however') to link sentences and paragraphs. Organize ideas logically, such as grouping all effects in one paragraph and steps in another, with clear topic sentences.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is limited and repetitive, with errors in word choice and spelling. The range is minimal, making the essay monotonous and imprecise.
Examples
Words like 'violence', 'affect', and 'effects' are overused. Spelling errors include 'madia' for 'media'. Simple phrases like 'suffer a lot' lack sophistication.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by using synonyms (e.g., 'aggression' instead of 'violence', 'impact' instead of 'affect'). Practice spelling and incorporate more varied academic terms related to society and media.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
Sentence structures are mostly simple, with frequent grammatical errors that hinder readability. Attempts at complex sentences are inaccurate.
Examples
Errors include missing words ('these steps should taken' should be 'should be taken'), incorrect comma usage ('steps, that could be taken'), and fragment sentences ('Victims suffer a lot.').
How to Improve
Practice using a variety of sentence structures (e.g., conditional, relative clauses). Review grammar rules for articles, verb tenses, and prepositions. Proofread to correct errors like subject-verb agreement and punctuation.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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