This Band 5 IELTS essay examines the relationship between media violence and societal issues. While the essay touches on relevant causes like poverty and parenting, it lacks a coherent engagement with the topic, impacting task response. Discover how to enhance your essay structure and argument depth with our analytical feedback.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (269 words) and addresses both parts of the question β stating disagreement and suggesting steps. However, it fails to fully engage with the prompt's focus on media violence, instead shifting entirely to unrelated causes (parenting and poverty) without discussing the influence of TV/movies. The response lacks depth and contains off-topic elements. Task Response is limited. Coherence is weakened by abrupt paragraph shifts and spelling errors. Lexical and grammatical errors further reduce clarity. Overall, a Band 5.0 is appropriate.
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In recent years, many people believe that behavioural characteristics of young people is mainly influenced by television programmes.While there is a notable increase in crime related activities such as car jaking , robbery and bulgary as seen in movies, I firmly disagree. Violence is majorly cause by poor parenting and poverty.
Poor parenting the main contributing factor in violence in the society. Nowdays, occupational activities within parents have led to lack of mentorship and emotional connection with children. For instance, children will find other source of influence in their lives, comming in contact with people with ulterior motives. Taking advantage of their brain development , they can easily manipulate them to violence such as robbery and stealing. As a result, a rise in violence among children is widely depicted.
Additionally, a widespread in poverty in the community with a combination with the various social classes draws violence among young individuals. Wanting great things in life exposes them to the societal pressure of acquiring high end gadgets like phone and laptops. As an example , as a recent statistic, a correlation between young adults and bulgary in accessories stores were high. The main root cause being unemployment.
Therefore, while this problemes comes with consequences, combination of efforts should be exerted. Parents and teachers can provide direct mentorship and the downsides of violence since they spend most of the time them. Secondly, government should on the frontline in job creation.
In conclusion, while people tend to belive that violence among young citizens is as a result of what they watch, high unemployment and lack of proper advise are the dominant cause.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
7 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| Nowdays | Nowadays |
| comming | coming |
| bulgary | burglary |
| belive | believe |
| problemes | problems |
| advise | advice |
| jaking | jacking |
Grammatical Mistakes
13 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| characteristics of young people is mainly influenced | characteristics of young people are mainly influenced | Subject-verb agreement: 'characteristics' is plural, so verb should be 'are' |
| Violence is majorly cause by | Violence is majorly caused by | Passive voice requires past participle 'caused' |
| Poor parenting the main contributing factor | Poor parenting is the main contributing factor | Missing verb 'is' to complete the sentence |
| occupational activities within parents | occupational activities of parents | Incorrect preposition; 'of' shows possession correctly |
| a widespread in poverty | widespread poverty | Incorrect use of preposition; 'widespread' is an adjective modifying 'poverty' |
| with a combination with the various social classes | combined with the various social classes | Redundancy and incorrect phrasing; 'combined with' is correct |
| like phone and laptops | like phones and laptops | Noun number agreement: 'phone' should be plural to match 'laptops' |
| a correlation ... were high | a correlation ... was high | Subject-verb agreement: 'correlation' is singular, so verb should be 'was' |
| The main root cause being unemployment. | The main root cause is unemployment. | Incomplete sentence; needs a main verb 'is' instead of 'being' |
| this problemes comes with consequences | these problems come with consequences | Plural noun requires plural verb 'come' and determiner 'these' |
| spend most of the time them | spend most of the time with them | Missing preposition 'with' to complete the phrase |
| government should on the frontline | government should be on the frontline | Missing verb 'be' to form the predicate |
| high unemployment and lack of proper advise are the dominant cause | high unemployment and lack of proper advice are the dominant causes | Compound subject requires plural noun 'causes'; also 'advise' corrected to 'advice' |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| manipulate them to violence | manipulate them into violence | Wrong preposition; 'manipulate into' is the correct collocation |
| widely depicted | widely observed | 'Depicted' means portrayed in media; 'observed' is more accurate for real-world trends |
| draws violence | leads to violence | 'Draws' is vague; 'leads to' is clearer and more academic |
| Wanting great things in life | Desiring material possessions | 'Great things' is vague; 'material possessions' is more specific and formal |
| high end gadgets like phone and laptops | high-end gadgets such as smartphones and laptops | 'Like' is informal; 'such as' is preferred in academic writing. 'Phone' should be 'smartphones' for precision |
| as a recent statistic | according to recent statistics | More formal phrasing; 'statistics' plural is standard |
| provide direct mentorship and the downsides of violence | provide direct mentorship and explain the downsides of violence | Missing verb for the second object; 'explain' is needed for clarity |
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Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay states a clear disagreement with the claim that media violence influences youth behavior, but it does not adequately address the prompt's first part β the extent to which you agree or disagree with the link between screen violence and societal violence. Instead, it focuses solely on poverty and poor parenting as causes, ignoring the media aspect almost entirely. The second part (steps to lessen violence) is partially covered with suggestions like mentorship and job creation, but the proposals are vague and underdeveloped. The response is relevant but incomplete and lacks a balanced discussion.
Examples
The essay says 'I firmly disagree' but never explains why media violence might not be a factor; it simply lists other causes. The steps section is only two sentences.
How to Improve
Directly address the statement about TV/movie violence. Explain why you disagree or agree to what extent (e.g., 'While media can desensitize, I believe it is not the primary cause'). Develop a clearer argument about the role of media. Expand on the suggested steps with specific examples (e.g., stricter age ratings, parental controls, educational campaigns).
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure: introduction, two body paragraphs on causes, a brief paragraph on solutions, and a conclusion. However, transitions between ideas are weak (e.g., 'Additionally' is used but without clear connection). The introduction misstates the topic ('behavioural characteristics of young people is mainly influenced by television programmes') which is not exactly the prompt. Paragraphs lack topic sentences that clearly link back to the question. The conclusion restates the position but does not summarize the argument effectively. Spelling errors (e.g., 'problemes', 'belive') disrupt flow.
Examples
The second body paragraph jumps from poverty to 'societal pressure' to 'unemployment' without clear logical progression. The solution paragraph is too brief and not connected to the earlier discussion.
How to Improve
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph (e.g., 'First, poor parenting is a stronger factor than media violence because...'). Use cohesive devices such as 'however', 'therefore', 'in contrast' to show relationships. Ensure each paragraph develops one main idea. Proofread for spelling to improve readability.
Lexical Resource4.5
Evaluation
The vocabulary is limited and repetitive, with frequent errors that obscure meaning. Words like 'bulgary' (burglary), 'car jaking' (carjacking), 'comming' (coming), 'nowdays' (nowadays), 'downsides' (used oddly) show lack of control. There is some attempt at formal language (e.g., 'occupational activities', 'ulterior motives'), but it is not always accurate. The range of vocabulary is insufficient for a higher band.
Examples
'Violence is majorly cause by poor parenting' β should be 'mainly caused by'. 'a widespread in poverty' β should be 'widespread poverty'. 'the various social classes draws violence' β subject-verb agreement error.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary related to the topic (e.g., 'desensitization', 'aggressive behavior', 'socioeconomic factors', 'mentorship programs'). Use collocations correctly (e.g., 'root cause', 'contributing factor'). Practice proofreading for common spelling mistakes. Read model essays to see how precise vocabulary is used.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
The essay contains frequent grammatical errors that affect clarity. Subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., 'behavioural characteristics ... is mainly influenced'), incorrect verb forms ('Violence is majorly cause'), run-on sentences, and missing articles. Sentence structures are mostly simple with few complex forms. There are attempts at subordinate clauses (e.g., 'as seen in movies'), but they are often awkward. Punctuation is inconsistent.
Examples
'Nowdays, occupational activities within parents have led to lack of mentorship' β unclear meaning; 'within parents' is wrong. 'Taking advantage of their brain development , they can easily manipulate them' β dangling modifier. 'government should on the frontline' β missing verb.
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules: subject-verb agreement, verb tenses (present simple vs. present perfect), and article usage. Practice writing complex sentences using because, although, which, etc. Use grammar-check tools and read the essay aloud to catch errors. Focus on accuracy over complexity initially.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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