Band 5 IELTS Writing Task 2 Essay on Violence in Media: Coherence Issues and Grammatical Errors
Sample Answer with Feedback

I partly agree that violent content on television and movies can influences the behavior of young people. The reason is because if there's no limits from their parents to choose better and educated content it might be bad for young people and they can try to hurt or fight someone someday.
Next, young people must have ability to think that not all of the content can watch especially violence content due to it's bad for themselves. They have to do something if the content it's sensitive. Not only that, they have to do some fun activities to reduce violence content.
Moreover, family, friends, and also environment are needed. Family can give the activities of which one is good and which one is bad for their kids, and also they've to check and choose the content for their kids so that their kids not influenced by the violence content. Next is friends, friends is the one of the people that really understand young people because we play with them, tell stories with them, and also do the fun activities. So, we have to pick a good friends to match with our personality so that we can reduce violence. Last one is environment, this is important part to life. Imagine if your environment are full of bad people, violence, and unsafe you will influence to do the same things. But, if you able to choose the best environment you will avoided from problem and violence also you can enjoy your life better.

     Today, violence remains a critical issue affecting countless individuals. While some argue that exposure to violent content in television and movies directly influences young people, leading to increased aggression, others contend that various social factors, such as family environment, education, and culture, play a more significant role. Personally, I argue that media violence is not the primary cause of societal violence and that alternative measures should be taken to address this issue effectively.

      To begin with, no definitive evidence proves that violent media directly leads to aggressive behavior. Numerous studies have demonstrated that there is no causal link between watching violent content and committing violent acts. On the contrary, some researchers suggest that consuming such media can have a cathartic effect, allowing individuals to release frustration in a non-harmful manner. Violence stems from deeper societal issues, including poverty, inequality, discrimination, and abuse. These conditions often provoke feelings of anger and frustration, pushing individuals toward violent behaviors as a means of coping or expressing their emotions.

      Therefore, I think that reducing violence requires more than restricting media content. A more effective approach includes expanding educational and employment opportunities to provide stability and direction for young individuals. Additionally, integrating conflict resolution and negotiation skills into educational programs can foster peaceful interactions. Encouraging participation in constructive activities, such as sports, arts, and volunteer work, also promotes positive social engagement and deters involvement in violence.

      In conclusion, I believe that blaming media violence for societal aggression overlooks the deeper causes of violence. Rather than restricting content, addressing social and economic inequalities can lead to meaningful change. By implementing proactive solutions, we can cultivate a safer and more harmonious society for future generations.