This Band 5 IELTS essay discusses the influence of violence in media on young people's behavior, presenting simplistic reasoning and underdeveloped arguments. Key issues include a lack of focus on television and inadequate vocabulary, which hinder effective communication. Understanding these feedback points can help improve your writing skills.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count of 250 words (actual: 389 words) and addresses the topic by agreeing that violence in media influences young people and suggesting steps to reduce violence. However, the arguments are underdeveloped, with a focus on social media and video games rather than strictly television and movies, weakening task response. Cohesion is basic but disorganized, vocabulary is limited with frequent spelling errors, and grammar is often inaccurate, hindering communication.
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A large number of individuels tend to believe that the amount of violence abserved on television and in cinema affect the acts of children and, as a consequence, it increases the levels of violence in our comunity. The truth is i can't disagree with the statement made because of a couple reasons. how these images influence the mental health of our adolescence and, secondly, the lack of safety globaly because of the spread of violence. so what are the steps that must be taken to prevent violence? Initially, Social media has spead pictures of wars and conflicts aroud the world to our kids and of course when a child see those kind of images it will affect him in many ways. first off all, he will think that the world is a crucial place and his mental health will decline and his personality will change in the worste way possible.let also mention video games, PlayStation have become" title="Correction: these electronic devices such as Xbox or PlayStation have become">these electronic devices such as x box or playstation has become a major issue for our teenagers become how violent the games can be. these games will influence children thinking without them noticing, for example, numerous young individuels commited massive crimes like murders and theft over one game they enjoyed playing called gta this game affected young mind in los angeles and the phillipines to to go rob and unalive people.
As a consequence, these video games made it hard to peaple to go out and enjoy their day because they are scared of these weak minded individuels who enjoy games. safety in the streets is somthing imprative to preserve, it is issential in our comunity. and we prevent violence by taking away these devices and not let children be exposed to social media because it is the issential thing that spread violence in young minds. Overall, people disagree and say that the quantity of violence won't affect our children behaviours, well i think that's absurd and not accurate because of the many proven situation we see daily on television like shooting at schools.
In conclusion, violence is the main path to destroy a society and we can prevent such thing by locking social media and games that influnce kids. major crimes through out the world comitted by teenagers like stealing and killing are often affected by violence seen on tv or any where else.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
19 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| individuels | individuals |
| abserved | observed |
| comunity | community |
| globaly | globally |
| spead | spread |
| aroud | around |
| worste | worst |
| phillipines | Philippines |
| peaple | people |
| somthing | something |
| imprative | imperative |
| issential | essential |
| behaviours | behaviors |
| influnce | influence |
| through out | throughout |
| comitted | committed |
| any where | anywhere |
| x box | Xbox |
| playstation | PlayStation |
Grammatical Mistakes
7 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| affect the acts | affects the actions | Subject-verb agreement: 'the amount' is singular, so 'affects' is required. 'Acts' is vague; 'actions' is more precise. |
| i can't disagree | I cannot disagree | Capitalization: 'I' must be capitalized. Avoid contractions like 'can't' in formal writing. |
| when a child see those kind of images | when a child sees that kind of image | Subject-verb agreement: 'child' is singular, so 'sees'. 'Those kind' should be 'that kind' for singular reference. |
| these electronic devices such as x box or playstation has become | these electronic devices such as Xbox or PlayStation have become | Subject-verb agreement: 'devices' is plural, so 'have' is required. |
| without them noticing | without their noticing | Grammatical structure: possessive 'their' is used before a gerund like 'noticing'. |
| made it hard to peaple to go out | made it hard for people to go out | Preposition error: use 'for' instead of 'to' before 'people'. |
| that spread violence | that spreads violence | Subject-verb agreement: 'thing' is singular, so 'spreads' is required. |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| adolescence | adolescents | Incorrect word choice: 'adolescence' refers to the stage of life; use 'adolescents' to refer to the people. |
| crucial | dangerous | Word misuse: 'crucial' means important; in context, 'dangerous' or 'violent' is intended. |
| unalive | kill | Informal euphemism: use standard English 'kill' for clarity and appropriateness in academic writing. |
| weak minded | weak-minded | Compound adjective: hyphenate 'weak-minded' for correct form. |
| won't | will not | Too informal: avoid contractions like 'won't' in formal writing. |
| tv | television | Informal abbreviation: use 'television' for formal writing. |
| locking | restricting | Colloquial term: 'restricting' is more precise and academic than 'locking'. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay presents a clear position (agreement) and attempts to answer both parts of the question, but the reasoning is simplistic and lacks depth. Arguments drift to social media and video games without consistently linking back to television and movies, and examples are not fully developed.
Examples
Mentions social media spreading war images and video games like GTA leading to crimes, but does not elaborate on how television and movies specifically influence behavior. The conclusion repeats points without new insights.
How to Improve
Focus directly on the prompt: discuss television and movies with specific examples. Develop each point with clear explanations and evidence. Ensure both parts of the question (extent of agreement and steps) are thoroughly addressed in separate paragraphs.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with introduction, body, and conclusion, but paragraphs are poorly organized. Ideas jump between topics without smooth transitions, and cohesion is weakened by a lack of linking words and logical flow.
Examples
First body paragraph starts with social media, then abruptly shifts to video games. Sentences like 'how these images influence...' begin without proper connection. The conclusion is repetitive and does not summarize key points effectively.
How to Improve
Use paragraphing to separate main ideas: one for influences, one for steps. Employ linking words (e.g., furthermore, however, consequently) to connect sentences and paragraphs. Plan the essay structure before writing to ensure a logical progression.
Lexical Resource4.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is limited and often inaccurate, with frequent spelling errors and informal or inappropriate word choices. This reduces clarity and sophistication.
Examples
Misspellings: 'individuels' (individuals), 'absurved' (observed), 'comunity' (community), 'peaple' (people), 'issential' (essential). Informal terms: 'unalive' for kill. Repetition of words like 'violence' and 'games'.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning topic-related words (e.g., 'aggression', 'desensitization', 'regulation'). Use a dictionary to check spelling and appropriateness. Avoid slang and aim for formal academic language.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammatical errors are frequent, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb tenses, run-on sentences, and missing punctuation. Sentence structures are simple and varied, but errors impede understanding.
Examples
Subject-verb error: 'the amount of violence... affect' should be 'affects'. Run-on: 'let also mention video games, these electronic devices... has become' should be 'Let's also mention video games; these devices... have become'. Capitalization errors: 'how these images...' should start with 'How'.
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and tense consistency. Practice writing complex sentences with correct punctuation. Proofread essays to identify and correct errors before submission.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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