This Band 5 IELTS essay addresses the influence of violence in media on young people's behavior. While it meets the minimum requirements, it struggles with clarity and fails to robustly connect examples to the main argument. Explore detailed feedback to enhance your writing skills and overcome these challenges.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (254 words) and addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement and suggesting steps to reduce violence. However, the response is underdeveloped: examples are weakly linked to media violence, focusing more on general supervision than on the influence of television/film. Frequent spelling and grammatical errors, limited vocabulary, and poor cohesion further reduce clarity. Overall, the essay demonstrates a limited ability to convey ideas effectively, resulting in a band 5.0.
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A vast number of individuals agree that the violence displayed of tv channels are influencing the behaviours of young people, indirectly raising the level of agression in the community. I completely agree with this thesis, however, adults guidance and cosequences should be taken into consideration to minimize youth violence.
Futhermore, constant watch on children helps prevent violence. This can be performed by parents or teachers, sense of warning" title="Correction: whose presence creates a sense of warning">for which their prescence creates a sense of warning to youth, hence, discoraging rough act.For example, children playing roughly on the swings and in the abscence of supervisors, a child was pushed hard and sustained a head fracture that has premanently disfigured his appearance. To add to this, it is advisable that new parents watch and study their child's or children's attitude to ensure that they can counteract these behaviours if they are developed at very young ages.
Additionally, they are there to ensure the students understand the consequences of their actions and mental issues" title="Correction: the potential effects such as illnesses, fractures, and, in severe cases, mental issues">the potential effects such as illnesses, fractures and in severe cases mental issues. For instance, gain any form of education" title="Correction: a 2020 incident in Greensprings led to the death of a 14-year-old. Today, the adults who were meant to supervise face criticism, and the children cannot gain any form of education">a 2020 incident in Greensprings led to the death of a 14 year old, today the adults who were meant to supervise face critisism and the children can gain any form of education. Lastly, punishments should be put into place as a form of discipline and warning to stop such attributes.
In conclusion, I do not disagree with this statement because it can increase the level of aggression among people and should be discoraged among peers by constant supervision and repracautions.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
10 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| agression | aggression |
| Futhermore | Furthermore |
| prescence | presence |
| discoraging | discouraging |
| abscence | absence |
| premanently | permanently |
| critisism | criticism |
| repracautions | precautions |
| cosequences | consequences |
| discoraged | discouraged |
Grammatical Mistakes
9 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| the violence displayed of tv channels are influencing | the violence displayed on TV channels is influencing | Preposition 'of' should be 'on'; subject-verb agreement: 'violence' is singular, so verb should be 'is' not 'are' |
| adults guidance | adults' guidance | Possessive form needed for plural noun 'adults' |
| for which their prescence creates a sense of warning | whose presence creates a sense of warning | 'For which' is incorrect; use 'whose' to refer to parents/teachers |
| rough act | rough acts | Plural needed to match context of children's actions |
| children playing roughly on the swings and in the abscence of supervisors, a child was pushed | while children were playing roughly on the swings, in the absence of supervisors, a child was pushed | Sentence fragment; add 'while' and verb 'were playing' to complete the dependent clause |
| their child's or children's attitude | their child's or children's attitudes | 'Attitude' should be plural when referring to multiple children |
| the potential effects such as illnesses, fractures and in severe cases mental issues | the potential effects such as illnesses, fractures, and, in severe cases, mental issues | Missing commas for list and parallel structure |
| a 2020 incident in Greensprings led to the death of a 14 year old, today the adults who were meant to supervise face critisism and the children can gain any form of education | a 2020 incident in Greensprings led to the death of a 14-year-old. Today, the adults who were meant to supervise face criticism, and the children cannot gain any form of education | Run-on sentence; corrected with period. Also changed 'can gain' to 'cannot gain' to convey intended meaning (the children are deprived of education). Added hyphen in '14-year-old'. |
| and should be discoraged | and it should be discouraged | Missing subject 'it' for the verb 'should be discouraged' |
Vocabulary Improvements
6 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| rough act | rough behavior | 'Act' is too narrow; 'behavior' better describes general conduct |
| sense of warning | deterrent | 'Sense of warning' is not a common collocation; 'deterrent' is more precise and academic |
| mental issues | mental health issues | 'Mental issues' is vague; 'mental health issues' is more specific and formal |
| gain any form of education | receive any education | 'Gain' is informal and collocates poorly with 'education'; 'receive' is better. Also note the context requires 'cannot receive' (already addressed in grammar) |
| punishments should be put into place | punishments should be implemented | 'Put into place' is informal; 'implemented' is more formal and appropriate for academic writing |
| such attributes | such behaviors | 'Attributes' means inherent qualities, not actions; 'behaviors' is the correct term for actions/conduct |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay states agreement with the claim and proposes measures (supervision, consequences) but fails to fully explore the link between media violence and youth behavior. Examples (e.g., a child pushed on swings, a school incident) are not clearly connected to television or movies. The second part of the question ('What steps may be taken?') is addressed, but superficially.
Examples
The essay mentions 'constant watch on children' and 'punishments' but does not explain how these relate to reducing the impact of violent media. The 2020 incident in Greensprings is vague and lacks relevance to the topic.
How to Improve
Develop arguments more fully: explain how specific types of media violence affect young viewers (e.g., desensitization, imitation). Use relevant examples from studies or real cases directly tied to screen violence. Ensure that suggested steps (e.g., parental guidance, media ratings) are clearly aimed at mitigating the problem stated in the question.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure (introduction, two body paragraphs, conclusion), but logical flow is weak. Transitions are abrupt (e.g., 'Futhermore' introduces a paragraph about supervision, but the connection to the previous point is unclear). Ideas within paragraphs are not well-organized, and the conclusion merely restates the introduction without synthesis.
Examples
The first body paragraph shifts from supervision to an unrelated example of rough play. The second body paragraph jumps to consequences without linking to the previous point. The phrase 'To add to this' is used but does not smoothly connect ideas.
How to Improve
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Use cohesive devices such as 'firstly', 'secondly', 'in addition', 'therefore' to guide the reader. Ensure each paragraph focuses on one main idea (e.g., one paragraph on the influence of media, another on solutions). Link examples directly to the argument.
Lexical Resource4.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary range is limited and contains frequent spelling errors (e.g., 'agression', 'prescence', 'discoraging', 'abscence', 'premanently', 'critisism', 'repracautions'). Some collocations are incorrect ('displayed of tv channels', 'gain any form of education'). There is little use of less common or precise vocabulary.
Examples
'violence displayed of tv channels' should be 'violence displayed on TV channels'. 'adults guidance' should be 'adult guidance'. 'cosequences' misspelled. 'rough act' is vague.
How to Improve
Learn and practice spelling common academic words. Expand vocabulary related to media effects (e.g., 'desensitization', 'aggressive behavior', 'parental mediation'). Use a dictionary or thesaurus to find more precise terms. Avoid repeating basic words like 'violence' and 'children'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammatical errors are frequent and affect comprehension. Subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., 'the violence...are influencing'), incorrect prepositions ('on tv channels' instead of 'on TV'), missing articles ('the adults who were meant to supervise face critisism and the children can gain any form of education' - unclear subject). Sentence structures are simple and often awkward.
Examples
'I completely agree with this thesis, however, adults guidance and cosequences should be taken into consideration' - missing comma after 'however', incorrect possessive. 'Futhermore' misspelled 'furthermore'. 'a child was pushed hard and sustained a head fracture that has premanently disfigured his appearance' - correct but overly wordy.
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules: subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Practice writing compound and complex sentences (e.g., using 'because', 'although', 'which'). Proofread for common errors before submitting. Use grammar-checking tools to identify patterns.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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