In this Band 5 IELTS essay, we explore the influence of violence in media on youth behavior. While it attempts to address the task, coherence issues hinder clarity, making it challenging for readers to follow the author's argument. Key improvements can enhance the structure and overall impact of the response.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay addresses both parts of the question (agreement and steps) and meets the word count requirement (approximately 350 words). However, the response is underdeveloped with vague arguments and examples. Numerous language errors in spelling, grammar, and cohesion reduce clarity and impact.
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In recent years the increase of voilence has been seen in all regions of the world without discrimination according to several psychologicist that have postulated that this might be due to the increase in violence seen at a young age in the media. I do agree to some extent to this statement as children have been known to be quite impressionable and if exposed to violence at young age most will gravitate to said behaviors thinking this is the norm for society. I also believe the media portrays violence as being 'cool, for the younger geneation often dressing it in several layes of "glitter nd glamor" bad behavior" title="Correction: leading to the interpretation that if you want to be viewed as 'cool,' then you also have to engage in bad behavior">leaving for the interpritaion that if you want to be viewed as 'cool' then you also have to be bad.
A point to my stance is with the newfound populatity of action movies and violece of gang related series petty crimes" title="Correction: a rise can also be seen in the number of petty crimes">a rice can also be seen in the amount of petty crimes anlong with arrest records or several young people. If you woul;d like to also take a deeper dive with me it can also be seen that there as also been a increase in the amount of juvenile arrest long with a decrease in the age group of said individuals. In recent time countries like the Untied States has seen an increase in petty crime in the 14 to 16 age range and when psychologist spoke to several of these young individuals it can be seen that get away with these crimes on television" title="Correction: several tried because of something they saw and how easy it seemed to get away with these crimes on television">several tried because of something they saw and how easy it seemed to be to get away with these crimeson the television. several were seen to have an idolic worship in a sense to several characters depicted.
I believe hat several spets should be taken firstly in the household by installing sevreal child proective locks on all devices in the household along with proper education about violence and the concequences of our actions along with the realization of what is riction entirley for entertainment and what is considred to be proper behavioral practises acceptable by society.
In closing I believe that the quality of violence see on televisions and in movies does influence the behavior of our young people and as a resultthere has been a markjed raise in the level of violence seen in our society today and I do believe sevearal steps can be taken to improve of the outlook for our young people.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
27 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| voilence | violence |
| psychologicist | psychologists |
| geneation | generation |
| layes | layers |
| glitter nd glamor | glitter and glamour |
| interpritaion | interpretation |
| populatity | popularity |
| violece | violence |
| rice | rise |
| anlong | along |
| woul;d | would |
| as also been | has also been |
| Untied States | United States |
| crimeson | crimes on |
| idolic | idolistic |
| hat | that |
| spets | steps |
| sevreal | several |
| proective | protective |
| concequences | consequences |
| riction | fiction |
| entirley | entirely |
| practises | practices |
| resultthere | result there |
| markjed | marked |
| sevearal | several |
| improve of | improve |
Grammatical Mistakes
9 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| I do agree to some extent to this statement | I do agree with this statement to some extent | Improved word order for clarity and correctness. |
| if exposed to violence at young age most will gravitate to said behaviors | if exposed to violence at a young age, most will gravitate toward such behaviors | Added article 'a' and improved phrasing for clarity and formality. |
| leaving for the interpritaion that if you want to be viewed as 'cool' then you also have to be bad | leading to the interpretation that if you want to be viewed as 'cool,' then you also have to engage in bad behavior | Corrected verb usage and improved phrasing for clarity. |
| a rice can also be seen in the amount of petty crimes | a rise can also be seen in the number of petty crimes | Corrected word choice and improved phrasing for accuracy. |
| there as also been a increase | there has also been an increase | Corrected verb form and article usage. |
| several tried because of something they saw and how easy it seemed to be to get away with these crimeson the television | several tried because of something they saw and how easy it seemed to get away with these crimes on television | Corrected phrasing and removed unnecessary words for clarity. |
| several were seen to have an idolic worship in a sense to several characters depicted | several were seen to idolize certain characters depicted | Improved phrasing for clarity and conciseness. |
| proper education about violence and the concequences of our actions along with the realization of what is riction entirley for entertainment | proper education about violence, the consequences of our actions, and the realization of what is fiction entirely for entertainment | Improved phrasing and punctuation for clarity. |
| I believe that the quality of violence see on televisions and in movies | I believe that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies | Corrected word choice and verb form. |
Vocabulary Improvements
6 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| glitter and glamor | glitter and allure | Replaced 'glamor' with 'allure' for a more precise and academic tone. |
| bad | negative | Replaced informal word with a more formal alternative. |
| petty crimes | minor offenses | Replaced informal phrase with a more formal alternative. |
| get away with | evade consequences for | Replaced informal phrase with a more formal alternative. |
| idolistic worship | idolization | Simplified and formalized the phrase. |
| proper behavioral practices acceptable by society | socially acceptable behavioral norms | Rephrased for conciseness and formality. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay partially addresses the task by stating agreement and suggesting steps, but ideas are not fully extended or supported with specific evidence. The argument lacks depth and critical analysis.
Examples
Agreement is stated: 'I do agree to some extent...' and steps are mentioned: 'installing several child protective locks... and proper education.' However, these points are not elaborated with concrete examples or data.
How to Improve
Develop each paragraph with clear topic sentences, provide detailed examples (e.g., specific studies or statistics), and explain how steps would effectively reduce violence. Ensure both parts of the question are equally covered.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, but paragraphing is unclear or absent, and cohesive devices are used inaccurately, affecting the flow of ideas.
Examples
Transitions are awkward: 'A point to my stance is...' and 'If you woul;d like to also take a deeper dive...' The essay is presented as one continuous block, making it difficult to follow logical progression.
How to Improve
Use separate paragraphs for each main idea (e.g., one for agreement, one for steps). Improve linking words (e.g., 'furthermore,' 'however') and ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Lexical Resource4.5
Evaluation
There is an attempt to use a range of vocabulary, but frequent spelling errors and inappropriate word choices reduce accuracy and clarity. Some informal expressions are used.
Examples
Misspellings: 'voilence' (violence), 'psychologicist' (psychologists), 'geneation' (generation), 'interpritaion' (interpretation), 'consequances' (consequences). Informal phrase: 'glitter nd glamor'.
How to Improve
Proofread for spelling errors, use a dictionary or spell-check tool, and choose more formal, precise vocabulary. Avoid colloquialisms and ensure words are used in the correct context.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammatical errors are frequent, including subject-verb agreement, tense inconsistencies, punctuation issues, and incomplete sentences. These errors hinder communication and reduce readability.
Examples
Subject-verb error: 'countries like the Untied States has seen' (should be 'have seen'). Tense issue: 'psychologist spoke' (should be 'have spoken' or 'spoke'). Punctuation: missing apostrophes in 'children's' and commas in lists.
How to Improve
Review basic grammar rules, practice constructing complex sentences correctly, and use punctuation appropriately. Consider grammar exercises or tools to identify and correct errors.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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