This Band 5 IELTS essay discusses the influence of media on youth violence. While it partially addresses the topic, it demonstrates limitations in idea development and clarity that hinder effective communication. Enhancing these aspects can significantly boost your writing performance.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count of 270 words (required: 250) and addresses the topic by partially agreeing with the statement, discussing other factors like family and environment, and suggesting steps to reduce violence. However, the development of ideas is limited, with insufficient elaboration on the extent of agreement and the proposed steps. Cohesion is attempted but hampered by awkward phrasing and sequencing issues. Lexical resource is basic with noticeable spelling and word choice errors. Grammatical range is constrained by frequent errors that affect clarity.
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Nowadays, mass media influencing the thinking of the individulas who keep an eye on the series. Specially the teenagers have keen interest in watching the series with their favourite genre. In my opinion, i partly agree with the statment that television play a role in affecting the behaviour of ones. There are many other reason which make them lean toward violence. I will implicit my view point in further paragraphs.
To begin with, violence not onl comes from media but also from families, neighbourhood, and environment. For example, if parents are fighting or abusing each other in front of children, they surely take this in a negative impact and bend towards the aggression.Moreover, he tries to imitate the parents when puts in a same condition. Furthermore, we can not blame only the social media for the violence but the environment has a major impact on children to develop frustration.
However, it is true to a some extent that mass media affects the mood of individual who is depending on it. For example, if a person always fond of viewing the criminal games, action movies, abusing activities, he tends to show attraction in an aggresive way. At that time, he learns the abusive language from shows, and desentization towards crime.
In addition there are various steps to reduce quantity of violence. Firstly, lower the screen time. Then, strict content regulation related to age ratings, and encourage positive and physical activities.
In conclusion, although violent entertainment can influence youth, broader family and social issues are more significant. Therefore, motivate the child" title="Correction: combined efforts from parents, teachers, and grandparents are needed to motivate the child">combined efforts need to motivate the child from parents, teachers, and from the grand-parents.
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Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
8 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| individulas | individuals |
| statment | statement |
| ones | one's |
| reason | reasons |
| implicit | impart |
| onl | only |
| aggresive | aggressive |
| desentization | desensitization |
Grammatical Mistakes
9 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| mass media influencing the thinking of the individulas who keep an eye on the series | mass media influences the thinking of individuals who watch series | Verb tense and subject-verb agreement corrected for clarity and grammatical accuracy. |
| Specially the teenagers have keen interest in watching the series with their favourite genre | Especially teenagers have a keen interest in watching series of their favorite genre | Corrected 'Specially' to 'Especially' and added articles for grammatical accuracy. |
| i partly agree with the statment | I partly agree with the statement | Capitalized 'I' and corrected spelling of 'statement'. |
| behaviour of ones | behavior of one's | Added possessive apostrophe for grammatical correctness. |
| he tries to imitate the parents when puts in a same condition | he tries to imitate the parents when put in the same condition | Corrected verb form and article usage for grammatical accuracy. |
| it is true to a some extent | it is true to some extent | Removed unnecessary article 'a' for grammatical correctness. |
| he tends to show attraction in an aggresive way | he tends to exhibit aggression | Improved phrasing for clarity and grammatical accuracy. |
| he learns the abusive language from shows, and desentization towards crime | he learns abusive language from shows and becomes desensitized to crime | Corrected verb form and improved phrasing for clarity. |
| combined efforts need to motivate the child from parents, teachers, and from the grand-parents | combined efforts from parents, teachers, and grandparents are needed to motivate the child | Rephrased for grammatical accuracy and improved sentence structure. |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| keep an eye on the series | watch series | Simplified and made the phrase more formal. |
| lean toward violence | gravitate toward violence | Replaced with a more precise and academic term. |
| negative impact | harmful influence | Replaced with a more specific and academic term. |
| criminal games | crime-related games | Improved phrasing for clarity and precision. |
| abusing activities | violent or abusive activities | Clarified and made the phrase more precise. |
| lower the screen time | reduce screen time | Replaced with a more formal and precise term. |
| motivate the child | encourage positive behavior in the child | Improved phrasing for clarity and precision. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response5.5
Evaluation
The essay presents a clear position (partial agreement) and addresses both parts of the question (influence of media and steps to reduce violence). However, the development is incomplete; ideas are mentioned but not fully extended or supported with detailed examples. The steps to reduce violence are listed briefly without explanation.
Examples
The essay states that violence comes from families, neighbourhood, and environment, but only provides a brief example of parental fighting. The steps to reduce violence are simply listed: 'lower the screen time', 'strict content regulation', and 'encourage positive activities' without elaboration.
How to Improve
Expand on each point with specific examples and explanations. For instance, discuss how media violence has been shown to influence behavior through studies or real-life cases. Elaborate on how each proposed step can be implemented and its expected impact.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, and uses some cohesive devices (e.g., 'To begin with', 'Moreover', 'However'). However, the flow of ideas is uneven, with abrupt transitions and unclear connections between sentences. Paragraphing is present but could be more logically organized.
Examples
The first sentence is confusing: 'Nowadays, mass media influencing the thinking of the individulas who keep an eye on the series.' The shift from discussing family influences to media effects in the third paragraph is sudden. The conclusion mentions 'combined efforts' but does not tie back clearly to previous points.
How to Improve
Improve topic sentences to clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. Use a wider range of linking words to show relationships between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single central topic and that the conclusion summarizes key arguments effectively.
Lexical Resource5
Evaluation
The vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, with several spelling and word choice errors that occasionally impede meaning. There is an attempt to use less common words, but inaccuracies are noticeable.
Examples
Misspellings: 'individulas' (individuals), 'desentization' (desensitization), 'aggresive' (aggressive). Incorrect word choice: 'implicit' (should be 'explicit' or 'explain'), 'lean toward violence' (could be 'inclined towards violence'). Basic phrases: 'keep an eye on', 'keen interest'.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by reading more and noting collocations. Practice spelling and use a dictionary to verify word meanings. Aim to use more precise and varied vocabulary, such as 'exposure to media', 'aggressive tendencies', or 'regulatory measures'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5
Evaluation
There is a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent, including issues with verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, articles, and pronoun reference. These errors sometimes obscure communication.
Examples
Verb errors: 'mass media influencing' (should be 'mass media influences' or 'is influencing'), 'if a person always fond of viewing' (should be 'if a person is always fond of viewing'). Article errors: 'to a some extent' (should be 'to some extent'). Pronoun error: 'he tries to imitate' without clear antecedent (referring to 'children'?). Sentence fragment: 'Specially the teenagers...' (should be linked to previous sentence).
How to Improve
Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms. Practice constructing complex sentences with clauses, ensuring they are grammatically accurate. Proofread essays to identify and correct common errors.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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