This Band 5 IELTS essay discusses the impact of media violence on youth behavior. The analysis reveals issues with clarity and underdeveloped arguments, offering opportunities for improvement on how to effectively convey ideas.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (approximately 336 words) and addresses the topic, but it lacks clarity and development in task response. Coherence is affected by weak linking and paragraph structure, while lexical resource and grammatical accuracy are limited with noticeable errors, hindering communication.
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Numerous people argue that the amount of violence on television and in movies influences the behaviour of youth and increases the level of violence in our society. However, plenty of films which are based on the real life events can consist violence scene, furthermore it is part of our history. The easiest way to decrease violence by films, it is rising the minimal age of watcher.
On the one hand, in some ways, films and movies could be harmful for young watcher, in spite of the fact that gore and horror scenes apear sometimes. It can be harmful not only in terms of one time scare, moreover mental health of kids is not developed enough to understand that some films are not real. For example, friends of mine have little brother who loved to watch horror films, however one day he got scared that much that he almost did not sleep all night that day.
On the other hand, this problem can be easily resolved only by increasing minimal age of watcher, also, it will parents control" title="Correction: helps parents control">helps parents with controlling content that their children watch. Young people will not be able to watch films and movies with violence, programs for their age will be available" title="Correction: while all programs for their age will be available">although all programs for their age will be avable. This method definetly will help to decrease the level of violence in society and save young generation from mental issues. For example, online cinemas can add parents control to children account and make the opportunity for parents to choose programs.
In conclusion, in some extents, some films and movies can be really harmful for young people, but these scenes are essential for plenty of films,and can not be removed. The esiest solving of this problem is parents control in online cinimas.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
5 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| apear | appear |
| avable | available |
| definetly | definitely |
| esiest | easiest |
| cinimas | cinemas |
Grammatical Mistakes
16 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| can consist violence scene | can contain violent scenes | Incorrect verb usage; 'consist' means 'to be composed of', while 'contain' means 'to have within'. |
| furthermore it is part | furthermore, it is part | Missing comma after transitional phrase 'furthermore'. |
| The easiest way to decrease violence by films, it is rising the minimal age of watcher | The easiest way to decrease violence in films is to raise the minimum age for viewers | Incorrect preposition ('by' should be 'in'), redundant pronoun 'it', and wrong verb form ('rising' should be 'to raise'). 'Minimal' should be 'minimum', and 'watcher' should be plural. |
| for young watcher | for young viewers | Noun should be plural to agree with the context referring to multiple youth. |
| moreover mental health of kids | but also the mental health of children | 'Not only...but also' construction required for parallelism. 'Moreover' is not appropriate here. |
| friends of mine have little brother | friends of mine have a little brother | Missing indefinite article 'a' before 'little brother'. |
| he got scared that much that he almost did not sleep all night that day | he got so scared that he almost did not sleep all night | Incorrect phrase 'that much that'; 'so...that' is the correct construction. 'That day' is redundant. |
| it will helps parents | it will help parents | Subject-verb agreement: after modal verb 'will', base form 'help' is required. |
| with controlling content | in controlling content | Preposition 'in' is more appropriate than 'with' for indicating involvement in an activity. |
| although all programs for their age will be avable | while all programs for their age will be available | 'Although' might imply contrast incorrectly; 'while' is better for simultaneous conditions. Spelling corrected. |
| This method definetly will help | This method will definitely help | Adverb placement: 'definitely' should come after the modal verb 'will'. Spelling corrected. |
| save young generation | save the young generation | Missing definite article 'the' before 'young generation'. |
| add parents control to children account | add parental control to children's accounts | 'Parents control' should be 'parental control', and possessive 'children's' with plural 'accounts' is needed. |
| make the opportunity | provide the opportunity | Incorrect verb collocation; 'provide' is standard with 'opportunity'. |
| in some extents | to some extent | Incorrect preposition and noun form; 'to some extent' is the fixed phrase. |
| films,and can not be removed | films, and cannot be removed | Missing space after comma and 'cannot' should be written as one word. |
Vocabulary Improvements
15 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| watcher | viewer | Informal; 'viewer' is more appropriate for media audience in academic writing. |
| plenty of | many | Informal; 'many' is more precise and academic. |
| consist violence scene | contain violent scenes | Wrong collocation; 'consist' is not used for including elements. 'Violent scenes' is more accurate. |
| real life events | real-life events | Should be hyphenated as a compound adjective modifying 'events'. |
| rising the minimal age | raising the minimum age | 'Raise' is used for increasing age; 'minimal' should be 'minimum' for the lowest allowable age. |
| one time scare | a single scare | Informal; 'a single scare' is more precise and formal. |
| kids | children | Informal; 'children' is standard in formal writing. |
| got scared | became frightened | Informal; 'became frightened' is more formal and descriptive. |
| helps parents with controlling | helps parents control | Verbose; 'control' is more direct and concise. |
| programs | content | Vague; 'content' is broader and more accurate for films and shows. |
| mental issues | mental health issues | Vague; 'mental health issues' is more specific and appropriate. |
| parents control | parental control | Incorrect term; 'parental control' is the standard phrase for monitoring content. |
| make the opportunity | provide the opportunity | Wrong collocation; 'provide' is commonly used with 'opportunity'. |
| really harmful | very harmful | 'Really' is informal; 'very' is preferred in formal writing. |
| esiest solving | easiest solution | Incorrect noun form; 'solution' is the correct word for solving a problem. |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
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Task Response5
Evaluation
The essay partially addresses both parts of the question (extent of agreement and steps to reduce violence), but the position is not consistently clear. Arguments are underdeveloped, with reliance on a single solution and superficial examples.
Examples
The introduction agrees that violence in media influences youth but then contradicts by stating violence is part of history. The solution focuses only on raising the minimum age, without exploring other steps or fully justifying the extent of agreement.
How to Improve
Clearly state your position (e.g., 'I largely agree') in the introduction and maintain it throughout. Develop each body paragraph with a topic sentence, detailed explanation, and relevant, specific examples. Consider multiple solutions and evaluate their effectiveness.
Coherence & Cohesion5
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but coherence is weakened by inaccurate use of cohesive devices and some logical gaps. Paragraphing is present but could be more effectively managed.
Examples
In the first paragraph, 'however' is used incorrectly after stating the opinion. Transitions between paragraphs are abrupt (e.g., 'On the other hand' without clear contrast). Repetition of ideas, such as reiterating the age restriction solution.
How to Improve
Use a range of cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, consequently, in contrast) accurately to connect ideas. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and flows logically to the next. Plan the essay structure before writing to avoid repetition.
Lexical Resource4.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is limited and repetitive, with several spelling and word formation errors that sometimes obscure meaning. There is an attempt to use less common terms, but inaccuracies are frequent.
Examples
Misspellings: 'apear' (appear), 'avable' (available), 'definetly' (definitely), 'cinimas' (cinemas). Repetitive phrases like 'films and movies' and 'young watcher'. Inaccurate word choice: 'consist violence scene' (should be 'contain violent scenes').
How to Improve
Expand your vocabulary by reading model essays and noting topic-related words. Use a dictionary to check spelling and meaning. Practice using synonyms (e.g., 'media', 'content' instead of 'films and movies') to avoid repetition.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy4.5
Evaluation
Grammar is characterized by a limited range of sentence structures and frequent errors in verb forms, articles, and punctuation. Errors can cause strain for the reader.
Examples
Incorrect verb forms: 'it will helps' (should be 'it will help'), 'can consist' (should be 'can contain'). Article errors: 'the real life events' (should be 'real-life events'). Awkward phrasing: 'mental health of kids is not developed enough'. Punctuation issues, such as missing commas before 'furthermore'.
How to Improve
Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage. Practice writing complex sentences with clauses, and use punctuation correctly. Review your work for common errors before submission.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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