This band 6.5 IELTS Writing Task 2 essay discusses the influence of violence in media on youth behavior. While the response is clear, it lacks depth in argumentation and has several grammatical errors that can affect the overall clarity of ideas.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: Hello User, the essay addresses the topic and provides a clear stance, but it lacks depth in argumentation and contains some issues with grammar and cohesion. While the word count is sufficient, the response could be improved with more structured ideas and precise language.
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To start with, I can not agree with this statement completely. I think that movies and television definitely have an impact on young people. That is because the brain of a youngster is not fully developed yet, so it happen to be more sensitive to violence shown to it. But on the other hand we live in a world full of violence, and, to my mind, the teenager is more likely to see violent behaviour on news or outside than in a movie or TV show. Moreover most movies have an age restriction, for example 16+ if the movie or show contains swearing and discussing sex, and 18+ for something more harsh. But no one can put that restriction on the real life events, we can not just isolate kids and young adults every time a crime happens outside or the war breaks out. It would only lead to people being more sensitive and easily affected even by the slightest violence. That is concerning, because a society that consists of people like that will never survive.
To help lessen the violence parents should talk with their kids about violence. No need to go into detail, just explain to your offsprings that some people can act violently and highlight that it is not okay. I think that harsh and violent people will never vanish from our world, but you as a parent can help prevent your child from becoming their victim. Teach them how to protect themselves and help others. I also think that people need to spread awarness when they witness a crime, because the worst you can do in a situation like that is staying silent.
In conclusion violence is definitely not something that happens only in movies. Unfortuanely it became a part of our lives, but at least we can try our best to slow it down.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
2 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| awarness | awareness |
| Unfortuanely | Unfortunately |
Grammatical Mistakes
4 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| it happen to be | it happens to be | Subject-verb agreement: 'it' is singular and requires 'happens' |
| the brain of a youngster | a young person's brain | Possessive form correction for clarity and conciseness |
| violent behaviour on news or outside | violent behavior in the news or outside | Preposition use: 'in the news' is the correct collocation |
| the war breaks out | a war breaks out | Article usage: 'a' is more appropriate when referring to any war in general |
Vocabulary Improvements
4 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| offsprings | children | 'Offspring' is the correct singular and plural form; 'children' is more common in this context |
| highlight that it is not okay | emphasize that it is unacceptable | Informal phrase; 'emphasize' and 'unacceptable' are more academic |
| help others | support others | 'Support' is a more precise and academically appropriate term in this context |
| the worst you can do | the most detrimental action | 'Detrimental' provides a more academic tone |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response6.5
Evaluation
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear stance on the issue. It acknowledges both sides of the argument and offers some solutions to reduce violence. However, the arguments are not fully developed, and some points lack sufficient evidence or examples.
Examples
For instance, the essay mentions that 'the brain of a youngster is not fully developed yet,' but it does not provide any supporting evidence or elaboration. Similarly, the suggestion to 'spread awareness when they witness a crime' is vague and lacks specific strategies.
How to Improve
To improve, provide more detailed examples and evidence to support your arguments. For example, you could reference studies or real-life cases to strengthen your points. Additionally, ensure that all solutions are practical and well-explained.
Coherence & Cohesion6.5
Evaluation
The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some ideas are not logically connected, and transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother.
Examples
For example, the transition between discussing age restrictions in movies and real-life violence is abrupt. Additionally, the conclusion could better summarize the main points rather than introducing new ideas.
How to Improve
Use linking words and phrases (e.g., 'however,' 'in addition,' 'on the other hand') to improve the flow of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that the conclusion effectively summarizes the essay.
Lexical Resource6.5
Evaluation
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, but some word choices are repetitive or imprecise. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but it is not always used accurately.
Examples
Words like 'offsprings' and 'awarness' are either incorrect or misspelled. Phrases like 'the brain of a youngster is not fully developed yet' could be rephrased more formally for academic writing.
How to Improve
Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and collocations. Use a wider range of precise and formal language suitable for academic writing. Proofread your work to avoid spelling errors.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy6
Evaluation
The essay demonstrates a range of grammatical structures, but there are frequent errors in sentence construction, punctuation, and word forms. These errors sometimes affect clarity.
Examples
Errors include 'it happen to be more sensitive' (should be 'it happens to be more sensitive') and 'highlight that it is not okay' (informal phrasing). Additionally, 'Unfortuanely it became a part of our lives' contains a spelling error and a tense inconsistency.
How to Improve
Focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Practice writing complex sentences while ensuring grammatical accuracy. Proofread carefully to catch and correct errors.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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