This Band 6 IELTS Writing Task 2 essay addresses the impact of media violence on youth behavior. While it touches on important points, cohesion and detailed development are areas needing improvement. Explore how to enhance your essay structure and argument clarity for better results.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (323 words) and addresses the topic, presenting a balanced view with some personal opinion. However, the argument lacks depth in development, particularly regarding steps to lessen violence. Cohesion is basic with occasional abrupt transitions. Vocabulary is adequate but has errors, and grammar contains mistakes that affect clarity.
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Is the media influencing the minds of young people? This has been a topic of discussion for decades. Many people believe that seeing violent movies affects the behaviour of the viewers. If we watch the news, or read the paper, we come across reports of numerous violent crimes commited everyday. It is essential to identify the causes of this increase in violence and take necessary actions.
Many programs on television today are more violent that it was several decades ago. People are more normalized to seeing violence on screen, which has reduced the shock effect, and the industry is constantly trying to make movies more shocking to keep viewers engaged. Shows like "The vampire diaries" and "How to get away with murder" are not only violent, they manipulate fans to sympathise with the perpetrators. This mindset in young people can definitely affect the level of violence in society.
At the same time, television and movies are not the main cause of the increase in violence. As a teenager, I also watched shows that are categorized as violent, but they did not influence us to become violent. In my opinion, raising children to be empathetic and understand the difference between fiction and reality is important. Young people can appreciate dark fantasy from a critical point of view without being affected. There is a clear definition of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in society. It is important to teach right from wrong, starting at home and school. If we understand that we can enjoy movies and TV programs without being negatively influenced.
Dark fantasy, and dark humor are increasingly popular among young people. But most use it as an escape from reality, to forget the stress and hardships of the real world. If viewed with the right mindset and with awareness, these programs will not influence the level of violence in society. Therefore, it is crucial to instill good values in people from a young age.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling · Grammar · Vocabulary · Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
1 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| commited | committed |
Grammatical Mistakes
5 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| more violent that it was | more violent than they were | Comparative requires 'than', and subject-verb agreement for plural 'programs' |
| not only violent, they manipulate | not only violent, but they also manipulate | Comma splice; need conjunction to connect clauses |
| If we understand that we can enjoy movies and TV programs without being negatively influenced. | If we understand this, we can enjoy movies and TV programs without being negatively influenced. | Sentence fragment; 'if' clause lacks a main clause |
| Dark fantasy, and dark humor | Dark fantasy and dark humor | Unnecessary comma in a list of two items |
| most use it | most use them | Pronoun 'it' should be plural 'them' to refer to 'dark fantasy and dark humor' |
Vocabulary Improvements
3 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| normalized to seeing | desensitized to seeing | 'Normalized' is imprecise; 'desensitized' is more accurate for reduced emotional response to violence |
| shock effect | shock value | 'Shock effect' is vague; 'shock value' is a standard term for media impact |
| definitely affect | significantly affect | 'Definitely' is informal; 'significantly' is more academic and precise |
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response6.5
Evaluation
The essay responds to both parts of the prompt by agreeing to some extent that media violence influences behavior but also disagreeing that it is the main cause, and suggests steps like teaching empathy and critical thinking. However, the position is not fully developed, and the solutions are vague and lack concrete details.
Examples
The writer states, 'It is important to teach right from wrong, starting at home and school,' but does not elaborate on specific actions or policies. The discussion on media influence uses examples like 'The Vampire Diaries' but does not deeply analyze their impact.
How to Improve
To improve, fully develop arguments with specific evidence or examples, and propose detailed steps such as media literacy education in schools, parental guidance systems, or regulations on content ratings. Clearly state the extent of agreement or disagreement and maintain a consistent focus throughout.
Coherence & Cohesion6
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but coherence is weakened by poor paragraph linking and lack of clear topic sentences. Ideas are presented but not always logically connected, affecting the flow.
Examples
The transition from discussing media influence to personal experience ('As a teenager, I also watched...') is abrupt. Paragraphs jump between points without cohesive devices to guide the reader.
How to Improve
Use a range of cohesive devices (e.g., 'on the other hand,' 'furthermore,' 'in conclusion') to link ideas. Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, and organize paragraphs logically, e.g., one for agreement, one for disagreement, and one for solutions.
Lexical Resource6.5
Evaluation
Vocabulary is generally appropriate for the topic with some attempts at variety (e.g., 'perpetrators,' 'empathetic,' 'critical point of view'), but there are spelling errors and imprecise word choices that reduce accuracy.
Examples
Misspelling: 'commited' should be 'committed.' Inaccurate word choice: 'normalized' might be better as 'desensitized.' Phrases like 'shock effect' are understandable but not standard.
How to Improve
Expand vocabulary by learning more academic and topic-specific terms (e.g., 'desensitization,' 'aggression,' 'societal norms'). Proofread carefully to correct spelling errors and use words precisely to enhance clarity and sophistication.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy6
Evaluation
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but grammatical errors are frequent and sometimes hinder meaning. Issues include incorrect comparisons, sentence fragments, and tense inconsistencies.
Examples
Incorrect comparison: 'More violent that it was' should be 'more violent than they were.' Incomplete sentence: 'If we understand that we can enjoy movies...' lacks a main clause. Error in subject-verb agreement: 'programs... are more violent that it was.'
How to Improve
Review grammar rules for comparisons, conditional sentences, and clause structure. Practice writing complex sentences with correct punctuation and verb tense consistency. Consider using grammar check tools or seeking feedback to identify and correct errors.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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