This Band 6 IELTS Writing Task 2 essay discusses the impact of media violence on youth behavior. While it addresses the prompt, issues with grammar and cohesion limit clarity. Key improvements include developing a clear thesis and enhancing the logical flow between ideas.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question Β· Violence Β· 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1β9)
Summary: The essay meets the minimum word count (291 words). It addresses both parts of the prompt but lacks a clear thesis statement on the extent of agreement/disagreement. Ideas are underdeveloped, and there are noticeable issues with grammar and cohesion.
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A certain amount of people promote the idea that the frequency of violence showcased on screens across platforms like movies or tv series greatly affects the minds of our younger generation and as a result promotes violence in our society making it seem normal. It is clearly leaving a mark on young people as violent behavior seems to be the common practice for resolving conflicts rather than having a conversation about it or finding middle ground to resolve the said issue.
Young people have the idea of letting social media, movies or any source of entertainment influence them easily, clouding their judgement and rational thinking, affecting their behavior eventually and choosing violence for every confrontration. Movies or tv series for instance, direct the violence part in such a way that makes it attractive and easy. Which in return, makes it seem normal to be violent. Eventually, raising the level of violence in our society.
While we debate on how it affects the young minds, there is a possibility of watching it as an entertainment only without causing any behavior change to the young minds. This is only achieved through careful monitoring of children, starting at an early age and educating them continouosly about the implications of how violence is harmful to the society.
As we discussed both possibilities for how showing violence shown on different platforms can or cannot affect the younger generation minds, there are certain steps that can be taken to lessen and discourage violence. Parents should actively start monitoring and educating their childrens content watching habits from a earlier age, keeping them educated from what's right and what's wrong. Also, there should be clear directions in the education system on how force should only be used when necessary.
AI Feedback Report Details
Spelling Β· Grammar Β· Vocabulary Β· Criteria Analysis
Spelling Mistakes
3 errors| Misspelled Word | Corrected Word |
|---|---|
| confrontration | confrontation |
| continouosly | continuously |
| childrens | children's |
Grammatical Mistakes
8 errors| Mistake | Correction | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| Which in return, makes it seem normal to be violent. | This, in turn, makes it seem normal to be violent. | Sentence fragment; 'which' should not start an independent clause. |
| Eventually, raising the level of violence in our society. | This eventually raises the level of violence in our society. | Sentence fragment; missing subject and finite verb. |
| an entertainment only | entertainment only | Article misuse; 'entertainment' is uncountable and does not require an article. |
| harmful to the society | harmful to society | Article misuse; 'society' is used in a general sense without 'the'. |
| how showing violence shown | how violence shown | Redundant phrasing; 'showing' and 'shown' together are awkward. |
| their childrens content watching habits | their children's content-watching habits | Possessive error; 'children's' is the correct possessive form, and hyphenation improves clarity. |
| from a earlier age | from an earlier age | Article misuse; 'earlier' starts with a vowel sound, requiring 'an'. |
| educated from what's right | educated about what is right | Preposition error; 'educated about' is the correct collocation. |
Vocabulary Improvements
7 suggestions| Original Word/Phrase | Improved Word/Phrase | Explanation |
|---|---|---|
| A certain amount of people | A certain number of people | 'Amount' is used for uncountable nouns; 'number' is for countable nouns like people. |
| tv series | television series | Informal abbreviation; 'television series' is more formal for academic writing. |
| direct the violence part | portray violence | Vague phrasing; 'portray' is more precise for representing violence in media. |
| in return | in turn | 'In return' implies reciprocity; 'in turn' indicates consequence or sequence. |
| the said issue | this issue | Overly formal or legalistic; simpler alternatives are more natural. |
| as an entertainment | as entertainment | 'Entertainment' is uncountable, so no article is needed. |
| directions | guidelines | 'Directions' can be ambiguous; 'guidelines' is more specific for recommendations in education. |
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Task Response6
Evaluation
The essay responds to the prompt by acknowledging the influence of media violence and suggesting steps to reduce it. However, the position on agreement/disagreement is not explicitly stated, and ideas are presented with limited development and support.
Examples
The statement 'It is clearly leaving a mark on young people' implies agreement but is not backed by specific examples or evidence. Suggestions like parental monitoring and education are mentioned but not elaborated.
How to Improve
Clearly state your position in the introduction (e.g., 'I largely agree that...'). Develop each paragraph with detailed examples, such as research findings or case studies, to support your arguments. Expand on the steps by discussing specific measures like media literacy programs or government regulations.
Coherence & Cohesion6
Evaluation
The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas is sometimes weak, and paragraphing could be more effective. Cohesive devices are used but not always appropriately.
Examples
The transition from the first to the second paragraph is abrupt. The sentence starting with 'Which in return...' is a fragment that disrupts cohesion. Paragraphs mix ideas, such as discussing both influence and counterpoints without clear separation.
How to Improve
Use topic sentences to clearly introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Employ a range of linking words (e.g., 'however', 'furthermore', 'for instance') to connect sentences and paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph focuses on one central point, such as one for agreement and one for steps.
Lexical Resource6
Evaluation
The vocabulary is generally adequate for the topic, but there are spelling errors, repetitions, and some imprecise word choices. The range of vocabulary is limited.
Examples
Misspellings: 'continouosly' (continuously), 'childrens' (children's). Repetition of words like 'violence' and 'young people'. Inaccurate phrasing: 'direct the violence part' could be 'portray violence'.
How to Improve
Use synonyms to avoid repetition (e.g., 'adolescents', 'youth', 'aggression', 'hostility'). Proofread carefully to correct spelling errors. Incorporate more academic and topic-specific vocabulary, such as 'desensitization', 'mitigate', or 'proactive measures'.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy5.5
Evaluation
There is an attempt to use a mix of simple and complex sentences, but grammatical errors are frequent and sometimes affect clarity. Punctuation and sentence structure issues are evident.
Examples
Sentence fragment: 'Which in return, makes it seem normal to be violent.' should be rephrased as a complete sentence. Incorrect possessive: 'childrens content' should be 'children's content'. Verb tense inconsistency: 'direct the violence part... makes it attractive'.
How to Improve
Practice writing complete sentences and avoid fragments. Review grammar rules for possessives, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation. Use complex sentences with correct subordination (e.g., 'Although violence is shown...'). Consider using grammar check tools for feedback.
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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