This Band 7 IELTS essay discusses the influence of media violence on youth behavior. While effectively addressing both parts of the question, it has cohesion issues that can be improved, especially in transitions between ideas. Understanding these elements can help enhance your own writing skills.
IELTS Writing Task 2 Question
Two-part Question · Violence · 40 min
Numerous people think that the quantity of violence seen on television and in movies influences the behaviour of our young people and, as a result, raises the level of violence in our society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? What steps may be taken in the present to lessen violence?
Write at least 250 words.
Score Breakdown
IELTS Writing Band Scores (1–9)
Summary: The essay meets the word count requirement (278 words). It fully addresses all parts of the task by presenting a clear, disagreeing position and suggesting relevant steps. The response is well-developed with relevant main ideas. The essay is logically organised and uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately. Vocabulary is generally sufficient and flexible for the task, though not particularly sophisticated. Grammatical structures are varied and mostly accurate. To achieve a higher band score, the writer could develop ideas with more specific examples and data, and use a wider range of less common vocabulary.
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Today, violence remains a critical issue affecting countless individuals. While some argue that exposure to violent content in television and movies directly influences young people, leading to increased aggression, others contend that various social factors, such as family environment, education, and culture, play a more significant role. Personally, I argue that media violence is not the primary cause of societal violence and that alternative measures should be taken to address this issue effectively.
To begin with, no definitive evidence proves that violent media directly leads to aggressive behavior. Numerous studies have demonstrated that there is no causal link between watching violent content and committing violent acts. On the contrary, some researchers suggest that consuming such media can have a cathartic effect, allowing individuals to release frustration in a non-harmful manner. Violence stems from deeper societal issues, including poverty, inequality, discrimination, and abuse. These conditions often provoke feelings of anger and frustration, pushing individuals toward violent behaviors as a means of coping or expressing their emotions.
Therefore, I think that reducing violence requires more than restricting media content. A more effective approach includes expanding educational and employment opportunities to provide stability and direction for young individuals. Additionally, integrating conflict resolution and negotiation skills into educational programs can foster peaceful interactions. Encouraging participation in constructive activities, such as sports, arts, and volunteer work, also promotes positive social engagement and deters involvement in violence.
In conclusion, I believe that blaming media violence for societal aggression overlooks the deeper causes of violence. Rather than restricting content, addressing social and economic inequalities can lead to meaningful change. By implementing proactive solutions, we can cultivate a safer and more harmonious society for future generations.
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Detailed Criteria Feedback
AI-powered analysis for each scoring criterion
Task Response7.5
Evaluation
The response presents a clear position throughout, agreeing that violence in media has an influence but arguing it is not the primary cause. The writer addresses both parts of the question: the extent of agreement and the steps to lessen violence. Main ideas are relevant and extended, such as citing societal issues like poverty and suggesting educational reforms.
Examples
Examples include: 'Violence stems from deeper societal issues, including poverty, inequality, discrimination, and abuse' and 'expanding educational and employment opportunities... integrating conflict resolution and negotiation skills...'
How to Improve
To improve, the writer could strengthen the argument by providing more specific, real-world examples or data from studies to support the claim about media's cathartic effect or the impact of social inequalities. The second paragraph's counter-claim about the cathartic effect is mentioned but not elaborated.
Coherence & Cohesion7
Evaluation
The essay is logically organised with a clear progression: introduction, two body paragraphs (one for the argument, one for solutions), and a conclusion. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to link ideas and paragraphs (e.g., 'To begin with', 'On the contrary', 'Therefore', 'Additionally', 'In conclusion'). Paragraphing is clear and each paragraph has a central topic.
Examples
Effective use of linkers: 'While some argue... others contend...', 'On the contrary, some researchers suggest...', 'Therefore, I think that...'.
How to Improve
For a higher score, the writer could aim for more sophisticated cohesion by using a wider variety of referencing and substitution, and by ensuring smoother transitions between sentences within paragraphs, particularly in the second body paragraph.
Lexical Resource7
Evaluation
The vocabulary is generally appropriate and sufficient for the task, allowing for clear expression of ideas. The writer uses some less common items (e.g., 'cathartic effect', 'constructive activities', 'harmonious society') with generally correct collocation. There are no significant errors in word choice or spelling.
Examples
Appropriate vocabulary: 'critical issue', 'definitive evidence', 'causal link', 'societal issues', 'conflict resolution', 'proactive solutions'.
How to Improve
To reach a higher band, the writer could incorporate a wider range of more precise and topic-specific vocabulary. Some phrasing is slightly repetitive (e.g., 'violence' is used multiple times). Using more synonyms (e.g., aggression, brutality, hostilities) would demonstrate greater lexical flexibility.
Grammatical Range & Accuracy7
Evaluation
The writer uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures effectively. Grammatical control is good, with only minor, infrequent errors that do not impede communication. Sentences are mostly error-free, and punctuation is correctly used.
Examples
Complex sentences: 'While some argue that exposure to violent content... directly influences young people..., others contend that various social factors... play a more significant role.' Accurate use of conditional and modal structures: '...can have a cathartic effect', '...should be taken'.
How to Improve
To score higher, the writer could attempt more varied and complex structures, such as nominalisation, participle clauses, or inverted conditionals. While accuracy is strong, occasional articles are missing (e.g., 'expanding educational and employment opportunities' could be 'expanding educational and *the* employment opportunities' – though the original is acceptable).
Tip: Review the Band 9 model answer to see how a high-scoring essay structures arguments, uses advanced vocabulary, and maintains coherence throughout.
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